                 JULIET AND ROMEO

A  play in one act by Wayne Anthoney.

Wayne Anthoney                             ph 0011 61 8 8390 1407
c/- Post Office,           e-mail wayneant@baarnie.tafe.sa.edu.au
Cherryville,
South Australia 5134,    
AUSTRALIA          

Web site: http://www.eastend.com.au/~ecology/wayne/wayne.html
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TYPE OF PLAY - Comedy
AUDIENCE RATING - G.

SYNOPSIS - This light-hearted clowns' version of Shakespeare's 
"Romeo and Juliet" is intended for secondary school students who 
have already studied the original.

The cast of four clowns and a tame musician, led by 
Sir John Feelgood, attempts to perform "Romeo 
and Juliet" as best they can. Sir John tries to keep 
the show on the road, but the others, though they try
hard to keep their natural clown tendencies in check,
can't resist the temptation to turn tragedy into farce.

The spooks referred to in the cast list replace the
various messengers, Friar John and so on. They should
wear black cloaks and white half masks, the intention
being to give the impression that they are the fates, 
in some way ganging up on the lovers.

The only major characters omitted are Montague
and Lady Capulet.

Escalus, the Prince of Verona, has become Bob Hawke,
but could equally be any notable authority figure. He
should also wear a mask, so that he can be played by
either of two actors.

The set, preferably portable, should include a 
balcony window, a door, another window and a wall 
painted on a canopy which can be raised to become
the ballroom and the interior of the tomb.

- Wayne Anthoney.
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                   JULIET & ROMEO
CAST:

Sir John Feelgood...Mercutio
                    Doc Lawrence
                    Capulet
                    Bobhawk (Mediator)
                    Spook

Stash...............Tybalt
                    Nurse (Mrs. Garvey)
                    Paris
                    Spook

Fleabag.............Romeo
                    Bobhawk (Mediator)
                    Spook
                    Mr. Joseph

Pumpkin.............Juliet
                    Benvolio
                    Drug Seller (Spook)

Boris Zabotski..... Keyboard musician and 
                    occasional commentator
---------------------------------------------------------

The moving tragedy of love between members of
opposing football cheer squads.

(Boris Zabotski appears, looking very miserable,
dressed as a jester. He sits at keyboard and plays
a dirge.

The clowns appear from the back of the audience,
as the clown band, playing the dirge on assorted 
instruments and singing mournfully. Whatever they 
are good at. They try to cheer up Boris, give up 
and exit backstage.
--------------------------------------------------

PROLOGUE - BENVOLIO

Enter Benvolio.

BEN: We present for you today, a real tear-jerker
     of a play. Never was there a tale of more
     woe, than this, of Juliet, and her Romeo.
     They loved each other beyond your wildest
     dreams, but unfortunately they barracked for
     different footy teams.
     Romeo was a cheer-leader for Verona Bold;
     Juliet, a pompom twirler for the Green and
     Gold.
     Whenever the fan clubs of the sides did meet,
     Always was there blood shed thick upon the
     street.
     Until at last there was an end to strife,
     But not before each had took their mortal
     life.
     And so, let us begin. (Exit)

VOICES OFF: Rah rah rah! Etc

ALL ENTER, SING FOOTBALL SONG - "GLORIOUS FOOTBALL".
          When football fever comes around,
          We march down to the hallowed ground,
          And one and all thrill to the sound,
          Of boot on leather ball.
          If you're on our side, march with us.
          And if you aint, then catch a bus,
          Or we will punch your head no fuss,
          No worries at all.

          Football season every year,
          Fills our hearts with pride and cheer,
          Then we go get full on beer,
          Down at the local pub. (Rub-a-dub dub)
          Through the years we've stood the test
          East side, West side, our side's best;
          Head and hands above the rest,
          Is our football club.

               If you call me one-eyed, I'll smack you in
               the eye,
               But we will never say we're beat, to a man
               we'd rather die....

          No-where in the world today,
          Is there a better game to play,
          Than Aussie Rules, they rules OK;
          The best game of them all.
          We love to watch the big men fly,
          To see our heroes do or die;
          Our lungs fill with the heart-felt cry,
          Glorious foot--glorious foot--glorious foot--
          Kick it through the window--FOOTBALL!

     (ROM and TYB exit)
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 1 SC 1 & 4 (2 &3 Omitted.) - BENVOLIO, MERCUTIO, 
TYBALT, ROMEO, BOBHAWK

BEN, MER: Shooo bewdy! Verona! Verona! Ooh! Ooh!
          Ooh! Ooh!

MER: Kick 'em in the guts! Pull orf their ears!
     Rub 'em in the mud! Ooh ooh ooh!

BEN: That's him normal. You should see him at the
     game.

MER: We hate them Green and Golds, don't we?
     They're no good useless footy players, they
     wouldn't know a footy from a...a...a egg.

BEN: Yeah. Just 'cause they won the flag last
     year....

MER: The flag! Don't talk to me about the flag!
     There was 49 free kicks to 6...the umpires 
     was wearing green and gold...If see any more
     green and gold today....

(Enter TYB, in green and gold.)

MER: Kill! Kill!

(BEN puts a headlock on him.)

BEN: Shuddup, Mick, shuddup.

TYB: I would not disgrace the dirty ground on
     which we stand on, by spilling your foul blood 
     on it.

MER: Aw! Worrr! Um....You stink! (To audience) Ha
     ha, that's a good one.

BEN: Careful, Mick.

TYB: You fly-blown mosquito! Your father smells of
     elderberries and your mother was a hampster.

MER: Ooooh! Waaa! You wouldn't know who your
     father was!

TYB  May your grandmother's cat lay eggs in your
     earphones!

(A siren is heard, off. BOBHAWK enters.)

BOB: Aaaah...hold. Now I've warned you kids
     before. Any more of this fighting and you'll
     all be sent to jail. Get it? Jail, with bars
     on the windows. Not the remand centre. You
     two behave yourselves. (To Ben & Mer) Tybalt,
     you come with me.

(BOB and TYB exit,)

BEN: Ha ha, whacker!

MER: Yeah, whacker.

BEN: Anyway, where's Romeo? We'll be late.

MER: Yeah, be late.

BEN: Got to get a good possie on the pickets.

MER: Yeah...

BEN: Oh, here he comes.

(ROM enters, sighing and holding a garter.)

MER: (Pause) Where's the flag?

ROM: I forgot the flag.

MER: You forgot the flag?

ROM: I left it home.

MER: You left it home?

BEN: Don't repeat everythink.

MER: Don't repeat everythink?

ROM: Oh, Rosaline!

BEN: Rosaline?

MER: What's Rosaline?

BEN: Must be the brand name on his football. You
     know; like "Kookaburra"

MER: Oh, yeah.

ROM: Rosaline! She won't even look at me.

MER: He reckons his football won't look at him?

BEN: Don't be stupid. What's the matter, mate?

ROM: You know that Rosaline, that pompom twirler
     for the Green and Golds? Real cool chick.

BEN: Nice legs.

ROM: Yeah. Big ones, too. But she won't even look
     at me. I've tried everything. Don Giovanni's,
     Papa Guiseppi's, Magic Mountain, everything.

(During this a BILL POSTER puts up three signs,
They read, "BIG FANCY DRESS BALL" One of them is
stuck on MER.)

BEN: Ar, birds are all the same, mate.

ROM: I'll do you!...

MER: Ay, what's this? (Looking at sign.)

BEN: Ar, it's them Green and Golds, They're having
     a fancy dress ball. Gor, stuck up!

MER: Yeah, stuck up.

BEN: Ay!

MER: What?

BEN: Ay, let's us go?

MER: Ar, bullshit!

BEN: No, we'll dress up in disguise and crash the
     party!

MER: Haw, crash the party!

BEN: What about you, Rom? You coming?

MER: You coming, Rom?

ROM: No, all I want is Rosaline.

BEN: She'll be there, Rom.

MER: Yeah, she'll be there.

ROM: Yeah, she might be too. Let's go!

ALL: Yaay! Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh! Verona! Verona! Kill!
     Kill! Kill! Kill!

(They exeunt.)
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 1 SC 5 - TYBALT, CAPULET, JULIET, ROMEO, NURSE

(TYBALT ENTERS, carrying two "head" characters on
poles, to represent party guests. Talking to them. 
Another two are pre-set behind canopy.)

TYB: Worrr, you shoulda seen me today! I threw a
     beer can and got the umpire right in the head,
     then I jumped the fence and punched their
     fullback right between the eyes, then I....

(CAPULET enters, masked. Listens.)

TYB: Then I reached down the goal umpire's throat
     and I was just pulling his tongue out by the
     roots, when....(Smacks CAP>

CAP: Ah, gidday young Tybalt. How'd the game go
     today?

TYB: Dunno uncle, I got thrown out for fighting.

CAP: Ar, I don't know what's the matter with you
     kids. You're always fighting. Still, I
     suppose I was the same when I was a kid.

(JULIET enters)

CAP: (cont) Ah, there's your cousin Juliet. Go and
     say gidday to her. OK ladies and genlmen, if
     I can have your attention for a moment. Now,
     you  realise this is a fund-raiser for the
     club, so we want you to drink up good, but
     remember, if you are drinking and driving
     tonight, well, remember to be in a car, won't
     yer? Har har har. The ladies that haven't got
     corns on their toes will probably dance with
     yer. (Sees TYB dancing with JUL) Oy, oy.
     Don't dance with yer cousin, thickhead.

(ROMEO enters, sees JULiet. Double take.)

ROM: Excuse me pop, who's the chick with the nice
     legs?

CAP: That's my daughter, Juliet.

ROM: Ahh..well, get me to a nunnery. Very nice. A
     credit to you.

CAP: Thanks.

ROM: Think I'll go and get a nice glass of
     lemonade.

CAP: Righto, son.

(ROM crosses TYB; TYB goes to CAP.)

CAP: Hey, uncle, that by his voice should be a
     stinkin' Verona Townie! I'll whack him for
     ya!

CAP: 'Ang on, Tybalt! Yes, that's young Romeo.
     He's a good lad. I've got a friend of mine,
     he's on their committee, he reckons that boy
     can screw punt a wet ball seventy yards.
     AND...there's the possibility of a transfer.

(CAP and TYB freeze, while JUL waltzes past ROM,
who watches transfixed, and pours his lemonade
down himself.)

TYB: (Unfreezing) Transfer!!

CAP: That's right.

TYB: I'm having no stinkin' Verona whackers in
     this club!

CAP: NOW LOOK, TYBALT!! I'm the president of this
     club and this is my show. You can do what I
     tell yer, or yer can get out now!

TYB: Silence is forced upon me. I'll withdraw, but
     this intrusion will convert to bitt'rest gall.

(TYB tries to exit, can't open door, has to go
out the back way.)

CAP: Sorry; sorry about that. Let's have a drink.
     (Mumbles.)

ROM: Hi.

JUL: Hi.

ROM: Top show.

JUL: No less.

ROM: Were it less than top, it would be topless. I
     have heard of such shows, but never been to one.

JUL: I blush.

ROM: Such modesty. May I take your hand?

(They slowly join hands.)

ROM: Care to come outside?

JUL: Only for an hour or two.

NURSE: (Enters) Madam, your mother craves a word
       with you.

(Hand-holding changes to handshake.)

JUL: Oh, I go.

ROM: Wait, what's your phone number?....

(JUL exits fast.)

ROM: Her mother? Who is her mother?

NUR: Her mother, mate, is the wife of the chairman
     of this club.

ROM: Not Ron Barassi?

NUR: I ask you, does Ron Barassi look like a
     mother?

ROM: So she's a Rabbit, then. But a Verona Bold
     can't mix with a Green and Gold. But she's
     the best I've ever seen. Although she's gold
     and green. And she's dangerous, and she's
     shy, and she's just the girl for I... And her
     head is like my head,...

NUR: And I'm going TO bed. (Exits)

ROM: And so I bid thee fond adieu..

CAP: 'Ere, I'll have a drink with you.

ROM: And who the hell are you?

CAP: I told you, I'm her dad.

ROM: I'm going mad.

CAP: You're a good lad.

ROM: You're not so bad. I go. Come, Herbert. Come,
     Cyril. (Exits with two of the heads.)

CAP: Nice boy, that Romeo, very nice type of lad.
     It's just a pity I've promised my little
     girlie's hand in marriage to...SOMEBODY ELSE!

(ALL peer through various openings and sing DAH DE
DAH DAH.....DAAAAHHHH!)
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 1, SC 1 & 2 - ROMEO, JULIET, NURSE

ROM: (Enters, with mandolin, if he can play one.) 
     O, Juliet, how I love the name.

JUL: (Off) Oh, Roberto.

ROM: Gadzooks, that's her voice.

JUL: Oh Roberto, how I love the name!

ROM: She loves Roberto. That's a fifteen yarder
     for me.

SIR JOHN: (Off) Not Roberto, Romeo. Thickhead.

JUL: (Flustered) Ah, Romeo, how I love the name.

ROM: I take courage. I'll stand beneath her window
     and rend the barmy air with a song.
     (Sings) O Juliet, I ne'er have met one
     lovelier than thee.
     If you'll be mine o love divine,
     I'll take you to the game on Saturdeeee.

(Window opens, NURSE looks out.)

NUR: Oy! There's people trying to sleep! (Exits.)

ROM: Que mani frega! Rack off! (Raspberry)

JUL: (Appears at window) "Rack off! (Raspberry.)"
     How sweet the sound! Ay me.

ROM: She speaks. I'll listen. Be still my beating
     heart.

JUL: O Romeo, Romeo, wherore fart thou, Romeo!

SIR JOHN: (OFF) Wot?

JUL: (Flustered) Er..whore-air fort thou...um
     ..Fare were ort thou..

SIR JOHN: (OFF) No no!

JUL: Well he's gotta be somewhere!

SIR JOHN: (OFF) Gah!

ROM: Shall I hear more, or shall I show myself?

ALL: No, no, don't show yourself.

JUL: What's in a clubroom? There's players and
     trainers, showers, beercans, bottles of
     linament...A clubroom by any other name
     would still smell like a clubroom. And so
     does Romeo. Ay me, how I love that smell.
     Strangely enough, I think I smell it now. 
     Could it be....

ROM: Ay, 'tis me.

JUL: Who is it, rends the air? Can it be thee?

ROM: Ay, it is me. I just said so.

JUL: But if any of our supporters catch you round
     here, they'll impale thee on a goalpost.

ROM: I have the night to shield me from their eyes.

JUL: By whose direction found thou out this place?

ROM: By... (chord)...love!

JUL: I think I blush, but in the dark I cannot
     see. Dost thou love me?

ROM: Dead set.

JUL: Oh, Roberto!

ROM: Now, look, who is this Roberto character,
     anyway?

JUL: (Hastily) Romeo. Romeo. Forgive me, I'm only
     fourteen.

ROM: Fourteen! Blimey! Two years under! I'm off!

SIR JOHN: (Appears, beercan in hand.) Whoops.
          (Hides can.) 'Scuse me. (To audience.)
          Now look! This is supposed to be a
          tender tragedy of love. You're makin' a
          ruddy mockery of it. You do it right or
          I'll sack yer. And don't you laugh. (To
          musician.) (Exits.)

ROM: Wanna do the mushy part?

JUL: Why not?

ROM: I'll stand here.

JUL: Oh gentle Romeo, if thou dost love, pronounce
     it faithfully. Or if thou thinkst me too
     quickly won, I'll frown and be perverse, and
     say thee nay. In truth, I am too fond, and
     thou might think me a bit fast, but I'll
     prove more true than most. Not like that
     Rosaline, the tart.

ROM: Oh Juliet, I swear by the moon above...

(A moon suddenly pops up.)

JUL: Oh, do not swear by the inconstant moon.

ROM: Then I swear by the constant blue and gold,
     the colours of our club...

JUL: Oh do not swear at all. We don't like
     swearing, round here. This is a first class
     suburb. All the boys round here go to Saints.

SIR JOHN: (Appears.) I'm warning you...

JUL: Sorry.

ROM: Sorry, Sir John.

(Byplay between ROM and SIR J. Double takes. ROM
finally blows raspberry, but Sir J catches him.)

JUL: Oh, do not swear. Although I joy in thee, I
     have no joy in this contract tonight. It is
     too rash, too sudden. Good night, good night.
     As sweet repose and rest come to thy heart as
     in my breast.

ROM: Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

JUL: What satisfaction can you have tonight?

(Moon pops right up, to reveal huge, leering face.)

ROM: I'll think about it.

NUR: (Off) Juliet?

JUL: Three words, dear Romeo, then goodnight. I
     come, I come!

NUR: Juliet!

JUL: Oh..ah... I'm being sick. (Barf, barf.)

ROM: You're not really, are you?

JUL: No, 'course not. Dost want to marry me?

NUR, ROM: WHAT!

JUL: (Barf, barf.)

ROM: I'm confused, for one. Should've brought a
     raincoat.

SIR JOHN: (Enters) Look! For the last time! Whooo!

(Exits, slams hand in door. R and J laugh.)

ROM: Marry? Yes, I'll marry thee. I see it is my
     destiny.

NUR: Juliet!

JUL: I come! What arrangement shall we make?

ROM: Cor, this is happening too fast for me. Um..
     I'll go and see Doc Lawrence, he's a JP at
     our club; he'll know what to do.

JUL: At what o'clock shall I send to thee?

ROM: Umm..at nine.

JUL: Go now. (Exits, returns.) Romeo? I have
     forgot why I did call thee back.

ROM: Let me stand here till thee remember.

JUL: I shall forget again, remembering how I love
     thy company.

ROM: And I will stay, to have thee still forget.

JUL: And here I stand, 'till I forget why.

ROM: And here I stand, like a nugget.

JUL: And I will stand here 'till I am old and
     grey.

NUR: Juliet!!!

ROM: I go. Away.

JUL: 'Ooray.

ROM: Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, and peace in thy
     breast. I'll go check out Doc Lawrence, and
     see what he suggest.
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 2 SC 3 - DOC, ROMEO

(DOC LAWRENCE enters. He wears a small cash
register round his neck SINGS "MONEY MONEY MONEY".)

MONEY, MONEY,MONEY!

Money, money money, it isn't funny,
It's a doctor's sport.
Bandages and ointment, no disappointment,
If you don't get caught.

This weekend I'm going happily,
To my beach-house down in Napoli.
Thanks to every cut and gash,
I have no problem with my cash...

Money, money money....

DOC: Ha ha ha, what a game, what a match last
     Saturday. Thirty seven serious injuries
     before half time! These new herbal remedies
     are good! Amazing painkillers. You know David
     Grainger? David Grainger played the last half
     of that game with his right foot pointing
     backwards and he didn't even know. Not that
     I'm in favour of violence in sport, but it is
     very very lucrative. (Knock at the door) Come
     in?

ROM: (Enters, yawning) Good morrow, Doc.

DOC: Romeo, my boy, what a sight. You look like
     you've been up half the night.

ROM: Too true, Doc.

DOC: You evil boy, you been in the sack with
     Rosaline!

ROM: Rosaline? I have forgot the name.

DOC: You what? Gah. Last night you were in here,
     pining like a Sturt player on grand final
     day. "Rosaline! Rosaline!" Was all you could
     say.

ROM: She's disqualified, Doc. I've met someone
     else. This one shines like...like a Magarey
     Medal made of pure gold.

DOC: You kids amaze me. (Drinks.)

ROM: Doc, you're a JP, art thou not?

DOC: Yes, I am. This allows me to give last rites,
     on the field, during a game, for a very
     reasonable fee, should the occasion arise.
     God forbid it should ever happen. (They cross
     themselves.)

ROM: And you can marry people, ay Doc?

DOC: Yes I can.

ROM: (On knees) Then marry me, Doc.

DOC: (Double take. Pause. Drink.) Run that past me
     again, son.

ROM: Please, Doc. (Clutches Doc's hand. Doc
     wrenches free.) Doc, I'm in love with someone
     from another club.

DOC: What, you mean another player?

ROM: No, not a player.

DOC: Ah! A trainer, perhaps?

ROM: No, she's a pompom twirler...

DOC: (Relaxes)

ROM: For the Rabbits, our hated enemies.

DOC: Oh my gawd. (Drinks.)

ROM: Doc, we've got to get married right away!

DOC: You got 'er up the duff!

ROM: No, no! But I have held her hand. You can't
     get up the duff just by holding hands, can
     you, Doc?

DOC: Oh, how innocent they are. No, course you
     can't. But listen son, I can't possibly marry
     you. I'd get into a helluva strife. And what
     if you went orf her, like you went orf that
     Rosaline?

ROM: No, no, her I love now doth love for love and
     grace for grace allow. The other would not
     so. (DOC looks confused.) Fact, she wouldn't
     even look at me.

DOC: Well, look, I can see some advantage in this
     match. It might help patch over the rift
     between the clubs.

ROM: Yes, yes.

DOC: Have to be a secret wedding...they,re not
     cheap...

ROM: How much?

DOC: Hundred and seventy five dollars. (ROM
     winces) Business is business.

ROM: I'm skint, Doc.

DOC: I'll take an IOU. Come on, come and have a
     drink.

ROM: No thanks, there's no time to waste.

DOC: And yet, I see a grim foreboding in this
     haste.

ALL: DAH DE DAH DAH.....DAAAHHHH!
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 2 SC 4 - BENVOLIO, MERCUTIO, ROMEO, NURSE

BEN: (Enters) Where the devil should Romeo be? Not
     at the clubroom; I spoke to the cleaner. That
     pale, hard-hearted Rosaline torments him so
     he will sure run mad. And now we hear that
     Tybalt has sent a message to our cheer-squad.
     Something about meeting us behind the bike
     sheds for a friendly chat.

MER: (Enters, wielding sword.) Ay, Ben? They
     reckon them Rabbits are upset about us
     crashing their party. Let 'em come!

BEN: Put that away. Romeo will sort it out.

MER: Yeah? Tybalt's bulk mean, man.

BEN: Here he comes now.

MER: (Springs, clumsily) Who, Tybalt?

BEN: Romeo. Poor miserable devil. See how he pines
     and mopes.

MER: Yeah, see how he mimes and popes.

ROM: (Enters, holding up tissue) Oooohhh...ripper!

BEN: Ripper?!

MER: He must of cracked it with Rosaline!

(BEN and MER snigger.)

ROM: The earth, gentlemen, is like a silver
     football, and we the victors in the Escort
     Cup. (BEN and MER listen solemnly.) And the
     cheer squad sings with golden voice as their
     heroes with deadly accuracy pepper the posts.
     Another sausage roll, and another. The
     football sails into the stands and explodes
     in a shower of Mars Bars and Smarties,
     spreading peace, love and football throughout
     the world.

BEN: (Sniffle.) Beautiful.

ROM: I'm off the planet, man.

MER: (Pause.) I think he's been smoking dope.

BEN: Shuddup. Hey, who's this?

NUR: (Sails in, hot and bothered.) Woo, it's hot.
     My fan, my fan.

MER: Yeah, you need a fan to cover your face!

BEN: Shuddup, Mick.

NUR: Cheek! Now, excuse me. Distasteful though it
     may be, I am looking for a Verona Town
     supporter by the name of Romeo. D'you know
     him?

MER: (Points) Yeah..

ROM: Shh, Mick. That depends on who sends you.

NUR: My neighbour's daughter, young Juliet.

ROM: Oh! I think I hear your mothers calling.

BEN, MER: (Looking about.) No. No. We can't.

ROM: WELL I CAN! Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh!

(BEN and MER are hypnotised into cheer-squad call.
They duck-march off.)

BEN, MER: Verona! Verona! Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh. Coming,
     mum.

NUR: Cheeky devils. I'm all of a quiver.

ROM: Now, I have a plan.

NUR: Typical Verona behaviour. The Rabbits don't
     go on like that.

ROM: Oy, excuse me.

NUR: Who're you? Verona, aint you?

ROM: I'm Romeo.

NUR: Oh. Well, in that case, tell me all.

ROM: OK. Can Juliet get out of pompom training
     this afternoon?

NUR: My, you're sexy.

ROM: Yeah. I know.

NUR: I'm not too busy this arvo myself.

ROM: How interesting...

NUR: Your place or mine?

ROM: Hang on! I'm madly in love with Juliet, have
     been for ...oh..hours. Could you please ask
     her to be at Doc Lawrence's consulting room
     at three o'clock on the dot. He's fitting us
     in between a hernia and a cork thigh, so we
     mustn't be late.

NUR: I'd do anything for you.

ROM: That's nice. And also...

NUR: Yes?

ROM: Here's a rope ladder. (Producing it from shirt.)

NUR: That's good; I thought you had a growth.

ROM: Make sure she hangs it out of her window
     tonight so I can climb up it.

NUR: Would that I were young again. That reminds
     me, I've got a ladder in my stocking. (Shows
     him.)

ROM: Please try and control yourself. Commend me
     to fair Juliet.

NUR: I will. Ciaou.
  
ROM: Ciaou.

(Exeunt.)
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 2 SC 5 - JULIET, NURSE

JUL: (Opens window.) The clock struck nine when
     Mrs. Garvey left to find Romeo. In half an
     hour, she promised to return. From nine to
     twelve is... (counts on fingers) four long 
     hours... and still she is not come.

NUR: (Enters, at street level, puffing.)

JUL: She comes. What news? Did you meet him? Why
     look you so sad?

NUR: Woo, I'm a tired girl. I ache from head to
     foot. I've been all over Verona.

JUL: I wish you had my bones and I your news. Mrs.
     Garvey, please!

NUR: Ooh, such haste. Can't you see I'm out of
     breath?

JUL: How can you be out of breath when you've
     breath enough to say you're out of breath? Is
     it good news, or bad? Let me be satisfied!

NUR: Well. Today we have some good news and some
     bad news. The bad news is...you don't know
     how to choose a man. I mean, Romeo! Take away
     his sex appeal, his brains, handsomeness, wit,
     courtesy, gentleness and grace, and what's
     left? Nothing! You'd be better off in a
     convent. (Aside) And I'd be waiting up the
     ladder! Hee hee!

JUL: Don't be silly. What says he of our marriage?

NUR: Oh, what a headache.

JUL: I'm sorry you're not well. Please!

NUR: Your love says, like the kind and courteous
     man he is,...where's your mother?

JUL: He says, "Where's my mother"?

NUR: No, thickhead. Can you get out of pompom
     practice today at three?

JUL: Yes

NUR: Then be at Doc. Lawrence's at three on the
     dot. If you're five minutes late, you could
     end up with your leg in plaster or a hernia
     operation. Romeo will be there at three.

JUL: Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! Oh, thankyou, Mrs.
     Garvey!

NUR: If any of your family find out you're
     marrying one of the opposition, AND under
     age, I'll be skinned alive. Why do I do it?

JUL: Must be the money.

NUR: Yes, it's the money. Now I have to rig up
     this ladder.

JUL: Can't you leave by the door, like you
     normally do?

NUR: Thickhead, it's for your husband to climb up
     tonight. I go.

JUL: Yo ho! I go! Also!
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 2 SC 6 - ROMEO, DOC, JULIET

DOC: (Enters with screen.) Come on, let's have a
     look at you.

ROM: (Enters, wearing big bow tie at wrong angle.)
     Jee, I'm nervous, Doc. I haven't felt this
     nervous since the under thirteen grand final.

DOC: I remember that game! What a match! I made
     seven hundred and fifty dollars on bandages
     alone! That was the match, little Ken
     Cunnuningam fell out of the grandstand and
     landed on  his head. And no-one could tell
     the difference.

ROM: And little Rick Davies - he only weighed five
     stone at the time - kicked a screw punt into
     the teeth of a howling gale and we won by
     five points.

DOC: What a match!

ROM: Doc! Here she comes!

(They look .JUL enters. ROM and JUL walk slowly
towards each other. DOC gets caught in the middle,
extricates himself. ROM and JUL grope each other.)

DOC: 'Oy! Half time! Change ends!

(ROM and JUL change ends, grope each other again.)

DOC: Oy, come on! Come with me. We'll find a bible
     and a witness. And don't forget my fee.

(Exeunt.)
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 3 SC 1 - TYBALT, BENVOLIO, MERCUTIO, BOBHAWK

TYBALT: (Enters) Yes, it's me, Tybalt.

ALL: Boo! Hiss!

TYB: Gaah, boo and hiss all you like! I'm a Green
     and Gold, and that's all that matters to me.
     I may be short..(ALL:You are!) Shuddup! I may
     have funny eyes...(ALL: You have!) But so
     what! Shuddup! So I live in a shitty dump,
     and I lost my job, so what! So my lady's
     having kid again, so we're gonna have to live
     on beans, SO WHAT! Because I'm a Green and
     Gold, and my club is the best, and I'm a part
     of that.  And that arsehole Romeo, in MY
     clubrooms,making out with MY cousin Juliet...
     it's more than I can stand!

SONG: I'M TYBALT!

Yes I'm Tybalt, and I scribble, 
Rude things on walls.
In the streetie, I write graffitti, 
And insults in rich peoples' halls.
I'm not gen'rally well-liked, 
For the party drinks I've spiked,
But those silly whackers need me in their scene.
I play it rather cute, 
So they won't give me the boot,
But underneath I'm really very mean.

Chorus:( Two white-masked spooks) Oh, oh, what a fatal blow,
To have him in the neighbourhood.
Oh, oh, how we wish he'd go, and leave us, how we wish he
would!

It's such fun, to be the number one,
Of everybody's hatred and their woe.
But at least I'm not forgotten, 
For being rather rotten,
It's a pleasure they'll never know.

Repeat CH.

(TYB chases spooks off. Hears a noise, draws to one side.)

BEN: (Enters) Hey, Mick?

MER: (Off) What?

BEN: Hey, how about coming down the clubrooms?
     They're showing a video of American gridiron.

MER: (Enters) You know what I think of American
     gridiron.

BEN: No, what?

MER: (Spits grossly. BORIS protests.)

BEN: What?

MER: (Repeats.)

BEN: No, come on. The day is hot and if we meet
     any of those Green and Golds there's sure to
     be trouble.

MER: (Wielding sword) Ho ho, let 'em come, let 'em
     come!

BEN: Cor, you,d quarrel with a ...with a duck!

MER: (Lost for words)...Yeah!

TYB: (Appears) Then call me a duck, you dill!

BEN: Ooh! Er.. Hello, Duckie! This isn't cricket!

TYB: What d'you mean, Shortbread?

BEN: Shortbread! Fatarse!

TYB: Fatarse: (Draws sword)

BEN: No, wait! This isn't fair. There's one of you
     and only two of us.

TYB: You're right. I'll just wait until another
     dozen Veronas get here.

MER: Wor hor hor! You just wait 'til Romeo comes.

(TYB grabs MER by his outstretched arm. BEN grabs
MER by his other arm. Enter ROMEO. ROM grabs TYB
by his outstretched arm.)

ROM: Ah, Tybalt, good cousin, I kiss your hand.
     (Does so.)

(They do a Rap Dance wave, from Romeo to Ben and
back. They jump, half turn.)

ALL: WHAT!!

ROM: The earth, gentlemen, is like a silver
     football...

TYB: Shuddup, you poetry pouting ponce!

ROM: No Tybalt, sweet cousin, I am closer to you
     than you know. No violence.

TYB: You're yeller!

MER: (Who has 'til now been craven.) What? What
     you say Tybalt?

TYB: He's yeller.

MER: That's it. (Trembling) No, don't stop me.
     Come on, Tybalt. Nobody calls a Verona
     yeller!

(They fight. ROMEO intervenes, during which
intervention TYBALT pulls out a gun and shoots
MER.)

MER: Ooh.

BEN: Mick! You all right, Mick?

MER: (Starts to cry) Mum! Muuuumm!!

BEN: Mrs. Cutio! Mrs. Cutio!

(BEN and MER exeunt. TYB withdraws. BEN re-enters.)

BEN: He's dead.

ROM: What!!

BEN: He's gone stiff already. (Being sick) I never
     seen a dead person before.

(BEN barfs on keyboard. Musician is not amused.)

ROM: Tybalt! Come on, Tybalt! I've changed my mind
     about you!

(TYB springs out, surprising ROM. They fight; ROM
mortally wounds TYB, who staggers off and dies in
the wings.)

ROM: I'm off!

BEN: Me too.

(Enter BOBHAWK, preceded by SFX)

BOB: Halt!

BEN: I'm needed at home.

BOB: Wait! What has befallen here?

BEN: It's difficult for me to say.

BOB: Out with it!

BEN: Well, you see, sir, we were just mucking
     around, Mick and me, and Tybalt come and we
     didn't be rude to him or nothing and Romeo
     come and then Tybalt started a fight and
     Romeo tried to stop it and Tybalt got Mick
     with a real dirty shot and he shot through
     and then he come back and Romeo got real mad
     and done him in and he shot through too and
     I'm going home. (Exits fast.)

BOB: Now hear this! This is the judgement of the
     tribunal. Tybalt has slain Mercutio and has
     himself been slain by Romeo Montague. We
     therefore decree that Romeo Montague never be
     allowed inside a football field in South
     Australia again.

ALL: (Off) (Wailing)

BOB: Furthermore, we decree! That Romeo Montague
     shall be banished to the VFL!

ALL: (Off) (More wailing)

BOB: Bear hence these bodies, make plain our will.
     Mercy but murders, pardoning those that kill.
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 3 SC 2 - JULIET, NURSE

JUL: (At window) Oh, how the dray dags on.

SIR JOHN: (Off) What?

JUL: Come night, come Romeo, come thou day in
     night. On this day I became a wife, but the
     bit I'm awaiting is yet to come. If only I
     could get rid of the sun!

NUR: (Enters, wailing.) Oooooohhh! He's dead, he's
     dead. We are undone. O Romeo, who would have
     thought it?

JUL: Romeo? Romeo dead? How? Has he slain himself?

NUR: I saw the wound with mine own eyes. A piteous
     corpse, pale as ashes. I swounded at the sight.

JUL: Dead, then? Oh, break my heart, break at once.

NUR: Oh Tybalt, best friend I had. That I should
     live to see thee dead.

JUL: What storm is this? Romeo slaughtered and
     Tybalt dead? My dearest cousin? Who is living
     if these two are gone?

NUR: Tybalt is gone and Romeo that killed him is
     banished to the VFL.

JUL: Romeo! Kill Tybalt!

NUR: Ay, alas the day he did!

JUL: But why? He looked so nice. What vile serpent
     is hid in such a gorgeous body?

NUR: There is no trust, no faith, no honesty in
     men. Shame come to Romeo!

JUL: (Confused) Oooh..blistered be your tongue for
     such a wish. He must have had a good reason.

NUR: Now she speaks well of him that killed her
     cousin.

JUL: Shall I speak ill of him that is my husband?
     Ah, poor my lord, what tongue shall smooth
     thy name when I, thy three-hours wife, have
     mangled it? But wherefore kill Tybalt? I'll
     to my wedding bed, and death, not Romeo, take
     my maidenhead.

NUR: I'll find Romeo to comfort you; I know well
     where he is. Get you to your bed.

JUL: Oh, thanks, Mrs. Garvey.
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 3 SC 3 - DOC, ROMEO, NURSE

DOC: Come on, stop snivelling and come out here.

ROM: (Enters, snivelling.)

DOC: Now, look. It's not as bad as you think.
     They're not going to do you for homicide,
     you've just been banished to the VFL.

ROM: The VFL!

DOC: Apparently they don't mind using killers.

ROM: That's worse than death. Where will I be
     without the club? And the lads? And Juliet,
     of course.

(Knock at the door. They panic.)

DOC: Quick, hide in there.

(Continued knocking. ROM hides in screens. DOC
opens door; NURSE runs in and canons straight into
him.)

NUR: Put me down, you devil, or I'll scream.
     (Screams very softly.)

DOC: (Prising NUR off) Pull yourself together.

NUR: We've got to do something about poor Juliet,
     Doc; she's in a terrible state.

ROM: What about me? I've been sent to Victoria;
     that's a terrible state.

NUR: Ahah! I thought I'd find you here. (Pulls him
     out by the ear.)

ROM: Ow!

DOC: (Drinks.) Dear oh dear.

NUR: Now look. Juliet's waiting, the ladder's
     ready and I'm playing fullback. So go to her.

DOC: But you must be gone before dawn, or..

NUR: You've had it.

DOC: Get it?

ROM: Got it.

NUR: Good.

DOC: Now, get out.

NUR: Go on.

ROM: Right. Goodbye. Thanks for everything..

DOC, NUR: Get out!

(ROM exits.)

DOC: (Drinks) Well. Don't think anything else can
     go wrong today.

NUR: (Makes eyes at DOC, who takes off. )

(Chase.)

DOC: Put me down, you don't know where I've been.

NUR: What you doing tonight, spunky?

DOC: Goodness me, look at the time.

NUR: Just time to see my etchings. (Drags him off.)
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 3 SC 5 - ROMEO, JULIET, NURSE, CAPULET

ROME & JULIET SING ROCK LOVE SONG.

ROM: Oh Juliet  your tender kiss, has illuminated my
     night with bliss,
     I hope you didn't hurt your head, when you tripped 
     and fell out of bed.

JUL: Oh Romeo, mh heart beats quick, To remember the joys
     of your love,
     I knew somehow our minds would click, when Eros gave 
     a gentle shove.
     My life has changed, it's all begun; 'till this day 
     there's been no fun.
     Last night was like a summer's dream; I'm sure you 
     know just what I mean.

CHORUS:(BOTH) Mum and dad don't even know; 
              If they find out, their stacks they'll blow,
              It's too late now, we've tied the knot, 
              The certificate from Doc Lawrence we've got.

(Music break then repeat CH except for: "When they find out, 
they're going to kill us!")
    
JUL: Wilt thou be gone? It is not yet near day. It
     was not the alarm, but 'twas the phone, that
     pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear.

ROM: Ah, Juliet, I hate to go. I had a miserable
     life 'till I met you. It all started when I
     was six months old. My mother dropped me in a
     doughnut machine. (Pause) I was a battered
     baby! Boom boom!

JUL: That's nothing; my uncle Max fell in a
     varnish machine. He had a terrible end, but a
     lovely finish! Boom boom!

NUR: (Pops up between them.) What about my father?
     He drowned in a vat of beer.

JUL: Did he die in agony?

NUR: I don't think so; he climbed out three times
     for a leak. Boom boom!

SIR JOHN: (Pops in) Now look! Any more of this and
          you'll ALL get sent to Victoria!

ALL: Sorry.

ROM: Yes, it was the alarm clock. Look what
     envious streaks do light the clouds in yonder
     east. Night's candles are burnt out by jocund
     day.

JUL: (Hiding under sheet) Quick, don't let them
     see us!

ROM: Who?

JUL: Jock and Dave! Boom boom!

SIR JOHN: (Off) OY!

JUL: Sorry. No, that's not the dawn, it's the
     lights at Footy Park. So rush not off, but
     come back to bed.

ROM: I'd rather stay than go. What's a twenty
     kilometer run, compared to a night with thee?
     Let them catch me, I don't care.

JUL: No, you must go. It was the clock, and not
     the phone. O be gone; more light and light it
     grows.

ROM: More light and light, more dark and dark our
     woes.

JUL: Oh Romeo, you do talk lovely.

NUR: Cough cough, knock knock. Juliet dear, are
     you awake?

JUL: Oh yes, Mrs. Garvey. We haven't been to sleep
     yet, actually.

NUR: Quick, straighten up those sheets. 'Tis
     morning; your father comes. And get him
     (Romeo) out of here.

JUL: The window, Romeo. 'Tis the safest exit now.

ROM: Farewell, farewell. One kiss and I'll
     descend.

(JUL turns to NUR. ROM kisses her on back of head.)

JUL: Oh, doesn't he talk lovely?

ROM: (Fiddling with ladder, drops it.) Poo.

JUL: Quick, go out the garbage chute.

(ROM exits. )

JUL: Oh, he's gone. Oh, husband, friend, dearest
     lord, write to me every hour of the day.
     Jeez, he went fast. Make a good rover.

ROM: (Crawls in, covered in garbage.) I'm down here!

JUL: (Shrieks laughing) Oh, I'm sorry Rome, but you
     don't half look funny. You look like you were
     in your funeral coffin, all covered with
     floral tributes.

ALL: DA DEE DAH DAH..... DAAAHHH!!!

JUL: Have you hurt yourself? You look a bit pale.

ROM: It is the sorrow of our parting. I expect it
     has drained all our blood away.

JUL: Something must have.

NUR: (Sniggers.)

JUL: Quiet. Farewell, farewell.

(ROMEO exits. JULIET begins howling.)

NUR: Quickly, Juliet. I hear your father's
     Homy-Peds thudding up the stairs.

JUL: Oh, why is he up so early? Why must he come
     now? He can't. I'm not ready. (Howls.)

CAP: (Knocks and enters.) Hello hello hello.
     What's all this, then?

NUR: It's Tybalt, mate. She's distraught about
     poor Tybalt. And so am I. (Wails also.)

CAP: Well you'd be better orf weeping for the
     coppers; they couldn't catch the dastard...

JUL, NUR: Language!

CAP: Dastard, I said, dastard. That dastard Romeo,
     that killed our Tybalt; best full forward we
     ever had.

JUL: Oh, father, I do weep that Romeo got away.
     You can't imagine how his leaving town has
     torn my heart-strings.

CAP: All right, all right. Half time. Change ends.
     I've got a surprise for you.

JUL: Ooh, what?

CAP: Well, close your eyes.

(JUL and NUR both close eyes.)

CAP: (Slaps NUR on head) Not you, thickhead. Now
     open them again.

JUL: Where? Where's the surprise?

CAP: Well, next Thursday morning, you're going to
     go to church and marry that nice young
     chartered accountant, Paris Polites.

JUL: I am?

CAP: I thought that'd cheer her up.

JUL:( Wails loudly.)

CAP: Sod me, I thought she'd be delighted.

JUL: How can I marry, when I'm overcome with
     grief? I won't do it.

CAP: You will!

JUL: I won't!

NUR: Now hang on, Albert...

CAP: What are you doing here? Clear off. (Pushes
     her. She disappears. There is a crash.)

JUL: Oh, father...

CAP: And you... you'll do what I tell you!

JUL: Is there no pity sitting in the clouds that
     sees a bottom to my grief? Cast me not away;
     delay this marriage a month, a week, or, if
     you do not, then make my bridal bed in that
     dim monument where Tybalt lies.

CAP: Now that's enough! I don't know, I really
     don't know. All my time; days, nights,
     weekends, holidays, race day, easter, all my
     time I've spent trying to find a good match
     for you. I finally find a nice young
     chartered accountant, and you carry on like a
     pork chop.

JUL: Oh..

CAP: Now, look! You'll be in that church Thursday,
     or you can hang, beg and starve in the
     streets. You won't be welcome in this house,
     and you will never...never...twirl a pompom
     in Verona again! (Exits. Loud crash.)

JUL: Ancient damnation! I'm only a little girl and
     I must lie about my love, and say I hate him,
     and be married again, and so commit the sin
     of bigamy, with adultery to follow. Why
     should this happen to me? Poor little whelp.
     I'll go and see Doc Lawrence; surely he can
     help.
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 4 SC 1 - DOC, PARIS, JULIET

DOC: (Enters, bustling.) Dear oh dear, things seem
     to be getting out of hand...

(Knock at the door; Doc opens it; PARIS enters.)

DOC: Who the hell are you? I know; you're young
     Paris, aren't you?

PAR: Yes, that,s right.

DOC: Well what can I do for you?

PAR: I'm to marry Juliet on Thursday...

DOC: Oh my gawd. (Drinks.)

PAR: And as you are a GP and a JP, Mr. Capulet and
     I would like you to be the celebrant.

DOC: Thursday, oh dear no, not Thursday. Bit busy,
     Thursday. Got a couple of groin operations. I
     reckon one of 'em might be mine.

PAR: No, Thursday it must be.

(JULIET bursts in, smashing into PAR.)

PAR: Oh, Juliet.

JUL: Oh, Paris.

DOC: Oh gawd.

(Embarrassed silence.)

PAR: Ah.. who do you think will win the game on
     Saturday?

DOC: I've got a couple of bob on the Blues.

JUL: Nah, my dad says they're playing like a pack
     of galahs.

DOC: Does he?

PAR: Ah Juliet, when we are wed we can go to the
     game together, and buy a bag of burger rings,
     and sit in the stand, or stand in the pit, or
     spit in the sand.

JUL: How nice. Please go, I wish to speak to Doc
     Lawrence alone.

PAR: Since we are about to be wed, surely I can stay.

JUL: It's womens' matters.

DOC: Ah. (Fumbles, produces book entitled, "Know
     Your Body".) Here, read this.

(PAR intercepts book, opens stares.)

PAR: I think I will go after all. (Exits, staring
     at book.)

JUL: (Howls) Oh, Doc, what are we going to do? How
     can I marry him? And Romeo my love, so far
     away. Come, weep with me, Doc.

DOC: I dunno. Here have a drink.

JUL: Thanks. (Swigs.)

DOC: I'll have one too. (Swigs) Cor, this tastes
     like poison. (Dramatic pause.) Juliet, I have
     an idea.

JUL: Oh no, make no more fun of me, or I'll kill
     myself with...with this! (Grabs DOC's cash
     register.)

DOC: Hang on! (Desperately snatches it back) Is
     nothing sacred? Now have a look at this. It's
     shocking stuff, shouldn't be allowed.
     (Produces six-pack of Foster's) Now, you
     take these, and drink 'em straight down. You
     will then fall into a deep coma, which will
     last exactly forty two hours. That's seven
     hours a can. Everybody will think you're
     dead. You won't be breathing. We'll have a
     funeral, and plant you in the tomb, next to
     Tybalt. (DOC is pacing about. JUL follows
     him, gets lost, re-enters through door, etc.)
     Yes, that's it. And I'll send a message to
     Romeo, telling him of our plan, and he can
     come back in a taxi, leave the meter running,
     hang the expense, and when you wake up,
     he'll be there, I'll be there, we'll slap you
     both in the taxi and you can go back to
     Melbourne and wait 'till I send news that
     it's safe to return. How's that?

JUL: What a weird mind you've got.

DOC: Yes, well, don't worry about that. You drink
     'em down.

JUL: Drink Victorian beer? It's against every
     fibre of my being.

DOC: Look, Julie, I'd give you proper drugs, but
     I've been de-registered, haven't I?

JUL: Give me, give me, then.

DOC: Drink them down, be bold. And I will send a
     message to your lord.

JUL: Lord give me strength, and strength shall
     help afford.

DOC: Nice. Poetic. (Exits.)

JUL: All this lot probably will kill me. Or,
     supposing I drink it, and I do fall into a
     coma, like the Doc said, but what if not for
     42 hours, just for 40? I'd wake up too soon,
     before the Doc's come. I'd be in that awful
     tomb all by myself. You know what that'd be
     like? It'd be all dark and spooky. There'd be
     ghosts, and skellingtons, and my grandpa. I
     never did like Grandpa. And there's my cousin
     Tybalt. You remember him? He's only been dead
     about a week. He'd just be starting to go all
     yellow and purple and smelly. (ALL: From
     behind, make noises of disgust; cries of "Get
     off!" etc.) There'd be worms going up his
     nose and out his eyes and I'd probly get sick
     all down my best dress. Ah well. There
     doesn't seem to be anything else. I'll give
     it a bash. (Exit.)
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 4 SC 2, 3 ,4, 5 - NURSE, CAPULET, JULIET, MR. JOSEPH

NUR: Dear oh dear, what a fuss. Is it my fault? I
     don't know. I was only trying to help. Poor
     little girl.I would have married Romeo, but
     no. I haven't had it since Cyril died.
     Affection, I mean. And now it's wedding day
     again, this time to Paris. That's him over
     there, getting plastered. Get it? Plaster of
     Paris!

CAP: (Enters) Good morning. We aren't doing funny
     jokes, are we?

NUR: Perish the thought.

CAP: Good, good. Well; peace and joy, happiness
     and love. Where's my little girlie?

NUR: She's upstairs, having her hair done.

CAP: Good. D'you get them bottles of spumante?

NUR: They're out the back.

CAP: Good. Wash the labels off...just like
     champagne. Where's my little girlie ?

(Windows open to reveal MR. JOSEPH doing JULIET's
hair. Juliet is drinking beer, looking pretty
pissed.)


MR. J: Good afternoon. Today we have Juliet, she's
       getting married today so she got to look
       real nice. Now, she got a little bald spot
       at the back here, so we brush all
       forward,so. It's a bit mousey, so we add
       liddle touch colour, so. (Can of Silvo.)
       And now lots a hairspray, so she wake up on
       the wedding morning with not one hair out
       of place. I believe the hair should be nice
       and firm, like a plastic helmet. Have a
       nice day.

(Windows close.)

CAP: What's that?

NUR: (Producing scroll) This? It's the menu.

CAP: Let's have a look.

NUR: I think we ought to sing it.

CAP: What, sing the menu?

NUR: It's what we always do in Barcelona.

CAP: Are you from Barcelona?

NUR: No.

CAP: OK, then, we'll give it a go. Where's my
     little girlie?

(JULIET staggers in. MR.J enters, carrying bier.)

(The following is a medieval song from Naples. Something
about a cat. It could be omitted or changed.)

SONG: "La Gatta."

Che luchia miaou miaou, Gatta canta ne miappa,
Inta cuppola ne santa, Ca cuchiatta curu curu
Chella rota chella rota, Essa donna essa dona
Pen amia miaou miaou, Ca cucuruchu miaou miaou
Ron Barrassi in pyjamas, subsidising all the farmers,
Sergeant Pepper charminasoe,
Frank Sinatra merry farter, John Travolta marihuana,
Pizza special with tomato,
Sock it to ya Carlo Ponti
Gorgonzola, gondolier, calimari,
Marchiello Minestrone, Lots and lots of Pepperone,
Al Capone is a meanie, eats a lot of fettucine,
Chella rota, chella rota, Essa Donna Essa Donna,
Tanta cucca tattalora, tanta cucca tattalora, tanta cucca
tattalora,
Messa donna, bucha sonna, sonna luta, mega tuta, mala gamba,
car la tore, ya la more,
Ca cucuruchu miaou miaou, ca cucuruchu miaou miaou,
Ca cucuruchu miaou miaou, ca cucuruchu miaou miaouuuuuu

CAP: Well, that should give us a guts-ache. Peace
     and joy, happiness and love. Where's my
     little girlie?

NUR: (Spots JUL staggering>) My god, she's hit the piss.

CAP: WHAT!

(JULIET staggers, falls prostrate on bier.)

NUR: Juliet, wake up! What's wrong?

CAP: You little monkey!

NUR: She's not breathing.

CAP: (Pause) Ay? (Runs to her.)

**NB It is the intention that, from here on, the
clowns become taken over by the story and don't go
for laughs.

NUR: My lamb, my lady!

CAP: Juliet?

NUR: Wake up, wake up.

CAP: Juliet?

NUR: She's dead.

CAP: (Wails. Holds up large sheet, enabling JULIET
     to prepare for levitation illusion behind. (Using
     false legs.))

SONG: SON SEIS SORELLE

(JULIET levitates, floats off. Reappears in
silhouette in tomb.)
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 5 SC 1 - ROMEO, SPOOK

ROM: (Playing imaginary pinball machine, with SFX.) 
     Melbourne's not so bad. I had a strange dream 
     last night, dreamt my lady came and found me dead. 
     Melbourne footy players aren't all that good.

SPOOK: (Enters) Romeo?

ROM: (Whips out flick knife) What's it to you?

SPOOK: I'm a friend.

ROM: (Knife turns into comb; he combs hair.) Oh, OK.

SPOOK: I've got some bad news for you, Romeo.

ROM: Yeah?

SPOOK: It's about your wife, Juliet.

ROM: What about her?

SPOOK: She's dead , Romeo.

ROM: No!

SPOOK: She's buried in the tomb. I saw it myself.

ROM: (Distraught) I know what I must do. If Juliet
     is dead, then I am dead too. Hire me a horse! 
     I will hence tonight! Go! Leave me! (SPOOK exits,
     silently.) I'll visit a drug-pusher I heard of...
     (Knocks at window)Hi! Open up!

SPOOK: (Face at window.) What?

ROM: Open up, man, I need a hit!

SPOOK: Rack off.

ROM: I'm desperate man.

SPOOK: Dear oh dear, another addict. I don't know.
       I just sell the stuff. What do you want?

ROM: I need the strongest poison you've got.

SPOOK: It's against the law.

ROM: Law me no laws! Look; I've got money!

SPOOK: Here is my poison. (Hands ROM a can of
       Fourex.) One drop of this to any man not in
       Queensland born, and death is instantaneous.

ROM: Come poison, go with me to Juliet's grave,
     for there I must use thee.
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 5 SC 2 - DOC, SPOOK

DOC: (Enters) Very troubling time, very troubling
     time indeed. Lot of things going wrong.

(SPOOK enters.)

DOC: Here, did you get that message to Romeo?

SPOOK: (Mumbles that he forgot.)

DOC: WHAT! What d'you mean you forgot! She'll be
     waking up. Come on, come with me to the tomb.

(SPOOK exits in wrong direction.)

DOC: Oohh.. (Exits.)
--------------------------------------------------

ACT 5 SC 3 - PARIS, ROMEO, SPOOK, DOC, JULIET, BOBHAWK

PAR: (Enters, with flowers.) Sweet flower, with
     flowers thy bridal bed I strew. Oh woe, thy
     canopy is dust and stones. I will wash this
     place each night with my tears. Someone
     comes. (Draws aside.)

ROM: (Runs in, followed by SPOOK.) Give me that
     mattock and the wrenching iron. Help me move
     this aside. (The slide open the sheet in
     front of tomb.) And now begone.

(SPOOK exits.)

ROM: Wait!

(SPOOK enters.)

ROM: Give me the light. (SPOOK does so) Upon thy 
     life I charge thee, whatever thou see'st or 
     hearest, stand all aloof and do not interrupt
     me in my course.

SPOOK: I will begone sir, and not worry you. (exits.)

PAR: This is Romeo, that was banished, and he
     comes here to do some foul deed to dead
     bodies! Villain, you are about to die!

ROM: That is why I came here. Go, do not make me
     sin again. Tell them a madman's mercy made
     thee run away!

PAR: I do defy thy conjurations and apprehend thee
     for a felon here!

(They fight; PARIS is quickly slain.)

PAR: If you have any mercy, lay me in the tomb
     with Juliet.

ROM: Ay, I will. (Does so.) Who is this? Paris,
     young Paris. And here lies Juliet. Her beauty
     makes the dark vault light. I will stay with
     thee and never from this palace of dim night
     depart again. (Prepares to drink) Here will I
     set up my everlasting rest. Eyes look your
     last, arms take your last embrace. (Drinks.)
     Here's to my love. Aaaarrrggghhh.

(ROM dies. DOC races in.)

DOC: ROMEO! NO!

(DOC runs to the tomb; sees ROM. JULIET wakes.)

JUL: Oh, Doctor, I remember well where I should be,
     and here I am. Where is Romeo?

DOC: Come with me, Juliet; something's gone dead
     wrong. Don't look round...

(JULIET looks about; sees ROMEO. Registers silently.)

JUL: Go, I will follow you.

DOC: Come...ooh...(runs off, afraid.)

JUL: What's this? Drunk the lot and left not one
     drop for me? I will kiss thy lips; perhaps a
     drop still hangs there. Someone comes, I must
     be quick...Romeo's Swiss Army knife...there's 
     a blade for every occasion...

(JULIET kills herself with knife. Enter BOBHAWK and SPOOK.)

BOB: The ground is bloody. Search about the
     churchyard. What misadventure now, that
     requires our attendance?

DOC: (Runs in) Juliet?..

BOB: Halt. What do you know of this?

DOC: (Trying to back out) No, not me... ah...
     well, you see, sir it's all my fault. Romeo
     was married to Juliet and she was his
     faithful wife. I know, sir, I married them
     myself. And when Romeo was banished for
     killing Tybalt - you know that, sir, you
     banished him yourself - well, Juliet was
     pining for Romeo, you see, not Tybalt. So her
     father tried to cheer her up by marrying her
     to Paris. Well, she couldn't hack that so she
     came to see me. I gave her a very strong drug
     - no I didn't kill her, only made it look
     like she was dead - and we had a funeral and
     put her in the tomb. And I sent a message to
     Romeo, but he didn't get that message. He
     heard she was dead. Came back here, saw her
     lying there, killed himself; she woke up, saw
     him dead, killed herself. It's all my fault
     and I'd like to say I'm very sorry. My life
     is yours sir, or,..I know! Banish me. Send me
     to Hobart!

BOB: Where be these enemies, the Rabbits and the
     Green and Golds? See what a scourge is laid
     upon your hate, that heaven finds means to
     kill your joys with love. And I'm partly to
     blame. I should have handed out stiffer
     penalties years ago. All are punished.

     A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
     The sun with sorrow will not show his head.
     Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
     Some shall be pardoned and some punished.
     For never was a story of more woe,
     Than this, of Romiet and her Julio.
     Oh. Oh. Oh.

JUL: (Appears in ghost sheet, and scares them.)

SONG: Fast, short version of the opening dirge.


                       THE END.
