WHERE'S ERIC?

A play for stage by Wayne Anthoney.
April 1997

CAST

ERIC GODOT     - An administrator
MARIA KOWALSKI - Godot's secretary
ROGER CHATWIN  - A colleague of Godot
ROSA MACINTOSH - Mother of Vladimir
THREE PEOPLE (1f, 2m) - who play various trios of characters.
                 Person 1 is female.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

ERIC GODOT IS A PATHETIC, HIGHLY PAID, SELF-IMPORTANT FAILURE. THE
AUDIENCE SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR HIM.

THERE IS AN OFFICE. BARE EXCEPT FOR A NASTY DESK AND CHAIR, FOUR PHONES,
FILING CABINET A METAL LOCKER NEAR THE DOOR AND, ON THE WALL, A NASTY
PRINT OF A DESERT-BLASTED TREE, BARE AND DEAD. (LATER THERE WILL BE
LEAVES ON IT.) THROUGH A SINGLE SMALL AND DIRTY WINDOW, A GREY LIGHT
FALLS; OUTSIDE IT IS RAINING. THERE IS A PILE OF RAGGED PAPER PARCELS IN
ONE CORNER.

THE TIME IS VAGUELY SOMEWHERE IN THE FUTURE.

THERE IS A LARGE CLOCK ON THE WALL, STOPPED AT 4.45. THE CLOCK IS VERY
IMPORTANT AND SHOULD BE PROMINENT.

** ANOTHER POSSIBILITY IS THAT THE CLOCK MIGHT ADVANCE VERY SLOWLY, SAY
AT A TENTH OF NORMAL SPEED. THUS IF THE CLOCK WERE READING 4.45 WHEN THE
PLAY OPENED, IT MIGHT READ 5.05 TWO HOURS LATER, AT THE END.THIS COULD
BE ACCOMPLISHED WITH A DIGITAL CLOCK IN THE FORM OF A COMPUTER SCREEN.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FIRST CYCLE

GODOT IS WORKING METHODICALLY BUT URGENTLY AT HIS DESK. READING, SIGNING
PAPERS. AFTER A MINUTE OR TWO, HE GOES TO THE FILING CABINET, PUTS A
FILE IN, SEARCHES FOR ANOTHER, RETURNS TO DESK.

A LIGHT TAP AT THE DOOR.MARIA ENTERS, PLACES SEVERAL LARGE FILES ON
DESK, TAKES SMALL QUANTITY OF PAPERS FROM OUT TRAY, EXITS.

GODOT WORKS, STEADILY SHUFFLING PAPERS. FILING, SORTING, MUTTERING TO
HIMSELF. HE GLANCES AT THE CLOCK, MUTTERS.

MARIA RUNS IN WITHOUT KNOCKING, SEARCHES FOR A PAPER, FINDS IT, EXITS.

THE PACE BUILDS SLIGHTLY. GODOT DARTS TO THE FILING CABINET, TO INSERT
SOME PAPERS OR TO GET SOME OUT. THIS CONTINUES FOR SEVERAL MINUTES. THE
PHONE RINGS; GODOT PICKS IT UP AND REPLACES IT WITHOUT ANSWERING. AN
AMBULANCE IS HEARD IN A STREET BELOW. AFTER TWO MINUTES MORE, HE SPEAKS.
TO HIMSELF AT FIRST, THEN GRADUALLYINCLUDING THE AUDIENCE.

GODOT: (LEAFS THROUGH A SHEAF OF PAPERS, RECITING NAMES) It's cold in
       here. Hh. Flinders and Gorman...Morris, Partridge and Waverley,
       Anatole and Valentine...yesss...Richards. On his own. Funny.
       Ivanovich and Denton...Vladimir and Estragon...Smith and Field. I
       like the name "Field". An anagram of the word "filed". Well, I
       like anagrams. Add the letter "e", rearrange...defile! Which in
       turn means to spoil, as in deflowering, or alternatively a narrow
       valley. (GOES TO CABINET. PUTS PAPERS IN, SHUTS DRAWER, OPENS
       ANOTHER, TAKES MORE OUT. RETURNS TO DESK, PEERING AT PAPERS.)
       Yesss....Pending confirmation...(PUTS PAPERS IN A TRAY) Beckwith.
       Anglo-Saxon. Levi....German, ha ha...German! (PHONE RINGS. HE
       PICKS IT UP, REPLACES IT WITHOUT ANSWERING.) Maria! (MORE PAPERS
       TO CABINET, MORE OUT. LOOKS AT CLOCK) Whoops, four forty five.
       Have to go in a couple of minutes. Western Childrens
       Circus...will have to wait. Better still, (TEARS PAPERS IN HALF,
       TOSSES IN BIN)...sorry, didn't see it. Sure you sent it in?
       (PICKS A PAPER FROM A TRAY, READS, SEARCHES BRIEFLY FOR A PEN,
       FINDS ONE, SIGNS, PUTS IN ANOTHER TRAY.) Cold! I want to go home.

MARIA ENTERS WITH SOME LETTERS, WAITS.

GODOT: Have I eaten my lunch?

MARIA: You had lunch in the boardroom, Mr. Godot.

GODOT: Yes, I did. What was that meeting, again?

MARIA: Funding infrastructure resource devolution and re-evaluation sub-
       committee.

GODOT: Ye gods. (HOLDS UP HANDFULS OF PAPERS) Look at these. I mean,
       I've been filing and sorting and arranging all day and now
       there's more than yesterday. Too much to do!

MARIA: Yes, if you'd just sign these for me, and then you'll be in
       plenty of time for your appointment.

GODOT: Right, give them here...where's my pen? (SCRABBLES AROUND FOR A
       PEN. SOME FILES FALL TO THE FLOOR) I had it, it was here in my
       hand...have you got a pen?

(THIS DEVELOPS INTO A PUBLIC SERVANT-TYPE FUSS.)

MARIA: I gave you two pens yesterday! We'll have to have a pen budget
       soon. They must be here somewhere.

GODOT: Well where are they? Show them to me!

MARIA: I don't know!

GODOT: I can't spend all day looking for pens. Run and get me another
       one.

MARIA: (HEADING FUSSILY TOWARD DOOR) Ohhh...

GODOT: Maria?

MARIA: Yes?

GODOT: Get me a green one.

MARIA: A green one. (EXITS)

GODOT: It's a madhouse. Where do all the pens go? Ay?

GODOT DOES SOME FILE SHIFTING, FROM DESK TO IN OR OUT TRAY OR FILING
CABINET AND BACK, AT THE END OF WHICH, NOTHING HAS CHANGED. MARIA
RETURNS WITH A PEN.

MARIA: It's blue.

GODOT: I said green.

MARIA: I know, I know, green's run out.

GODOT: I mean, that's just typical of the breakdown in service...oh, to
       hell. Where are your papers?

MARIA: I put them there. (POINTS TO DESK.)

GODOT: Well, I don't see them there. Are these the ones?

MARIA: No, they had a red crest on the top...I put them there.    GODOT:
       Oh, for God's sake...look at the time! I'm just trying to get
       some ORDER in here!

MARIA SCRABBLES THROUGH FILES, LOOKS IN FILING CABINET; GODOT
DOESSIMILAR. A PHONE RINGS. GODOT LIFTS AND REPLACES IT WITHOUT
ANSWERING.MARIA IS TRIUMPHANT, PULLING PAPERS OUT OF A FILE AT BACK OF
CABINET.

MARIA: Hah!

GODOT: Oh thank god for that. God knows how they got in there. Now,
       where's the pen? Where's the pen! I had it in my hand! A
       DOORKNOCK IS HEARD.

MARIA: Oh....(EXITS.)

GODOT: (TO AUDIENCE) Did anyone see where I put the pen! Is everybody
       stark raving blind?

MARIA: (ENTERS) Mr. Godot, there's a woman to see you.

GODOT: What? How did she through security?

MARIA: She seems very determined.

GODOT: Well I don't want to see a woman! I can't see a woman, I'm
       supposed to go! I can't let them down again, I mustn't! God
       knows, I've tried. Every bloody day something intervenes. Well,
       not today!

MARIA: It's Mr. Vladimir's mother, sir.

GODOT: Vladimir's mother. Look at the time! Four forty five! (CRUMPLES
       INTO CHAIR.) Show her in.

(MARIA EXITS BRIEFLY)

GODOT: Vladimir's mother! How could he have a mother, for God's sake!
       What's his surname? (OPENS DRAWER, PULLS OUT CARD INDEX, RIFLES
       FEVERISHLY THROUGH IT. MARIA RETURNS, STARTLING HIM; HE SLAMS LID
       DOWN.)

MARIA: This is Mr. Godot.

ROSA ENTERS SLOWLY IN A BLACK CLOAK, SOAKING WET AND PUFFING, HAVING
CLIMBED SEVERAL FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. GODOT STIFFENS, HALF RISES. ROSA
STOPSAT OTHER SIDE OF DESK, RUMMAGES BENEATH HER CLOAK. GODOT RAISES
ARMS TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM AN IMAGINED WEAPON.

ROSA IS OF MATURE YEARS, ATTRACTIVE. HAS A SLAVIC ACCENT.

GODOT: No, no...

ROSA:  (PUTTING FORMLESS PAPER PARCEL ON DESK) Hello Eric. It's been a
       long time.

GODOT FREEZES.

ROSA:  Yes...a lot of water under the bridge.

GODOT: That voice....You know me?

ROSA:  Casa del Sol, 1956. Room twenty three. Knock twice and ask for
       Rosa.

GODOT: You're joking. Oh, Rosa. My little Rosa.

GODOT COMES AROUND DESK, ARMS OUT. ROSA BACKS AWAY.

GODOT: Let me look at you again; little Rosie...

ROSA:  (Bitterly) Yes, your little Rosie. Whom you left alone and
       penniless, and with child....

GODOT: With child! (PAUSE) Vladimir is my son!

ROSA:  No! Your son was stillborn. As you should have been, Eric Godot,
       oh I wish to God! I have four sons living, all with different
       fathers. It's the times, isn't it? If you wanted to be a modern
       woman.

GODOT: Yes..yes..

ROSA:  My Vladimir who waits for you, he's big now, a big boy. A big fat
       boy. Fat and slow. And not without his problems, you know, but I
       love him. They lied, those police, they were liars. They fitted
       him up. He would never do those things. It was Estragon, his best
       friend Estragon who did those things.

GODOT: The things?

ROSA:  With the little boys. Never Vladimir. Some friend, that Estragon.
       I heard on the grapevine, you have some news for them. Why have
       you not been to see him! Why! Why! You are breaking their hearts,
       and my heart! At last we are so desperate that I have the courage
       to come and face you, face to face!

GODOT: And what a surprise, and a delight. And yes, as it happens. I
       have been trying very hard to make the time. Ask Maria! Er..some
       good news, and some not so good...

ROSA:  The bad news for Estragon. He's excrement. The good news for my
       Vladimir! When will you go!

GODOT: You wouldn't believe the trouble I'm having; it's very high on my
       list of priorities. I'm leaving immediately. But look at these
       papers! More than yesterday! And the meetings, my God, the
       meetings! And I have to walk, you know, that's part of the
       problem...it's almost an hour on foot; where does a person in my
       position get a spare hour? And then there's the hour to walk back
       again! In the dark!

ROSA:  I'm asking a favour of you, take this to Vladimir. (INDICATING
       PARCEL) Not to Estragon. I don't want to hear that bastard got a
       single one of these.

GODOT: I'm not a messenger, I'm an administrator. I have meetings, I
       talk on the telephone, I don't carry parcels! What the hell is
       it?

ROSA:  It's food. It's carrots. I know he's very short of food,
       particularly good root vegetables. Well they're hard to get. And
       he's had to wait for so long.

GODOT: Carrots! Take them yourself, for God's sake.

ROSA:  I can't do that. You know our people can't do that.

(MORE SIRENS HEARD OUTSIDE IN THE DISTANCE)

GODOT: (Aside) She wants me to take the fool a packet of carrots. She's
       as mad as he is.

A BELL RINGS LOUDLY.

GODOT: Ah, look at the time. Almost five! It's too late now, I'll have
       to go tomorrow. (HAPPILY BUSTLING, PUTTING THINGS AWAY) Rosa,
       you've made me late, but no matter. They can wait another day.
       (RUBS HIS BROW, PAUSES, SIGHS.) I remember you used to like a
       brandy; shall we have a little drink?

ROSA:  It's been fifteen years since I had a little drink.

GODOT: Ah, you don't imbibe. Well well...things HAVE changed!

ROSA:  Fifteen years since I had the price of even a glass of cat's
       piss! What do you think of that?

GODOT: Yes, well then...come in Maria.

GODOT QUICKLY OPENS DOOR AND MARIA FALLS IN; SHE HAS BEEN LISTENING
OUTSIDE.

GODOT: Come in, if you want to listen. Go and tell Mr. Vladimir and Mr.
       Estragon that I have been detained, that I am most deeply
       apologetic, circumstances completely beyond my control, will most
       definitely see them at my first opportunity tomorrow. Tell them I
       will surely come tomorrow.

MARIA: Mr Godot! It's a disgrace!

GODOT: What can I do? Look at the time! Quarter to five!

MARIA: It's always the same thing!

GODOT: It is not the same thing, it's always some different frigging
       thing! Maria, I will make it up to them. And to you. Now, please.

(MARIA EXITS, SLAMMING DOOR.)

ROSA:  That's why this floor is covered in slime, because you're a slug!
       At least you could send a man to make your excuse!. It's not for
       a woman out there.

GODOT: I can have you lobotomised! I am Eric Godot, the administrator, I
       can have you put away! No, no, I wouldn't. I couldn't do that.
       (WEARILY) Anyway she has a disguise. She dresses as a man.

ROSA:  She dresses as a man!

GODOT: Well, sort of. More as a boy.

ROSA:  She dresses as a boy! (A PAUSE, THEN SHE STARTS TO LAUGH) And how
       does she report on the behavior of Mr. Estragon? Ha ha ha...does
       Mr Estragon fiddle with her arse? Does Mr. Estragon scrutinize
       for her non-existent willy? Ha ha ha...surely he's worked it out
       by now! (LAUGHING TURNS TO A COUGHING FIT. HER DENTURES SHOOT
       OUT; SHE PUTS THEM BACK.) Give me a drink!

GODOT: That is what I had in mind. You're still a fine looking woman,
       Rosa.

ROSA:  My teeth are loose. I've got loose teeth. Why can't we get
       vitamins any more?

GODOT REACHES INTO BACK OF FILING CABINET AND PRODUCES BOTTLE AND
GLASSES. KNOCK AT THE DOOR. ENTER ROGER, A DEPARTMENTAL IDIOT.

ROGER: Eric, can I have a word?

GODOT: Roger. Good to see you. Just about to call you. Ha ha, you've
       saved me a phone call!

ROGER LAUGHS HEARTILY.

GODOT: Rosa, this is Roger Chatwin from downstairs. Roger, Rosa...

ROSA:  Rosa McIntosh.

GODOT: Rosa McIntosh.

ROSA:  My last man was an English Scotsman, and he was a bastard too,
       the same as you!

ROSA STARTS PACING THE ROOM IN INCREASING AGITATION.

ROGER: Is she talking to me?

GODOT: No, me.

ROGER: That's alright. (UNDER BREATH) I thought she was looking at me.

GODOT: She has those Slavic eyes, you can't tell. God, I loved her once.

ROGER: Ha ha, you old bastard! Still waters! Well!

GODOT: Now she's got false teeth. I can't believe it. Didn't we pass a
       law against false teeth?

ROSA FLOPS AT GODOT'S DESK, DOODLES AGITATEDLY WITH THIS AND THAT.MARIA
ENTERS IN SHORT PANTS, BOOTS, BRACES AND CAP. GOES TO DESK,RUMMAGES,
FINDS A FILE. ROSA HISSES AT HER.

GODOT: Don't forget a bit of dirt. Bit of dirt? (INDICATES FACE.)

ROSA:  You're a bit of dirt. You're a shit-pile of dirt. Ha ha ha..

MARIA: Dirt. Right. (SMARTLY PICKS UP RUBBISH BIN BY DESK, EMPTIES IT
       OVER HERSELF. SOMETHING NASTY DRIBBLES DOWN HER HEAD. MARCHES TO
       DOOR.)

ROGER: (WITH INTEREST) Who's THAT young chap?

GODOT: Maria. Disguise. Making my excuse...ah, making AN excuse...no, (
       WAVES HAND IN SOME VAGUE DIRECTION. HOLDS DRINK OUT TO ROGER) Off
       to play charades. Here.

MARIA CLICKS HEELS, SALUTES AND EXITS.

GODOT: (CALLING AFTER MARIA) Good luck! And may the best man win!

ROGER: Gor!

ROSA:  I think they don't call you Roger for nothing.

ROGER: What? Ah. (TAKING A DRINK, TRIES TO DRAG GODOT OUT OF EARSHOT OF
       ROSA.) Thanks, look I have to have a word. There's been a
       complaint of incompetence.

GODOT: Nice drop, isn't it?

ROGER: A complaint of incompetence. GODOT:   The nuns of Aberfoyle
       squeeze each grape individually between their cheeks.

ROGER: What?

GODOT: It says so on the label, look....

ROGER: A complaint of incompetence...

GODOT: Ah, come on! We have complaints of incompetence all the time!
       We're administrators!

ROGER: This one is a legal complaint, Eric.

ROSA:  Eric once had an illegal complaint. It was the crabs. He gave
       them to me for my birthday.

ROGER: Can you ask her to leave?

GODOT: I was just about to. Rosa....

ROSA:  Yes, Eric? I'm helping you with your paper work.

ROSA HAS SET FIRE TO A PILE OF PAPERS ON THE DESK.

GODOT: Oh Christ, we're on fire.

GODOT AUTOMATICALLY RACES TO WALL, HITS A RED BUTTON. A VERY LOUD ALARM
STARTS UP. GODOT AND ROGER GOTO A CUPBOARD AND PUT ON BREATHING
APPARATUS AND YELLOW RAINCOATS. ROSA STANDS AND STARTS SINGING THE
MARSELLAISE. THREE FIREMEN CLAD IN BREATHING APPARATUS AND YELLOW
RAINCOATS RUN IN AND PUT OUT THE BLAZE WITH FOAM EXTINGUISHERS, AND A
LOT OF MACHO SHOUTING AND RUNNING AROUND. PANDEMONIUM SUBSIDES. FIREMEN
ARE ABOUT TO EXIT; GODOT AND ROGER REMOVE MASKS AND JACKETS.

GODOT: Wait a minute. Take this woman with you and escort her out of the
       building. And don't let her in again.

FIREMAN 1:     It's not our job.

FIREMAN 2:     We just put out fires.

FIREMAN 3:     You need sss..ecurity people for that..

(WHEN FIREMAN 3 STAMMERS, ALL OTHERS FREEZE, POLITELY WAITING FOR HIM TO
FINISH.)

GODOT: Here's ten dollars.

FIREMAN 2:     We'll do it.

FIREMEN EXIT WITH ROSA WHO IS STILL SINGING. THEY JOIN IN. ONE OF THEM
HAS GODOT'S BRANDY BOTTLE. GODOT LOOKS AROUND, CAN'T FIND BOTTLE, GOES
TO FILING CABINET, GETS ANOTHER. TAKES A LARGE SWIG.

ROGER: Not hitting that too hard, are we?

GODOT: Me? Nah. Look at that. (HOLDS HAND OUT TO SHOW ABSENCE OF
       TREMORS.)

ROGER: Right. A lawsuit. (PRODUCES A SHEAF OF PAPERS FROM POCKET.)

GODOT: More papers. Throw 'em on the pile! Gah!

GODOT SEES ROSA'S PARCEL ON DESK, DARTS TO IT, THROWS IT ON THE PILE OF
SIMILAR PARCELS IN THE CORNER.

ROGER: (READS) Company called Findem, Floggem and Farkham, acting on
       behalf of Messrs Anatole and Valentine, claim this department to
       be guilty of gross dereliction of duty, in that their clients
       have been waiting to hear the result of their funding application
       for a far longer time than would be considered reasonable by any
       rational person or authority...

GODOT: Stupid.

ROGER: ..and furthermore that officers of this department have
       habitually broken verbal agreements to visit and present them
       with the information....

GODOT: Ludicrous.

ROGER: ...and furthermore that their clients' health, reputation and
       standing in the community have all suffered irreparable harm as a
       result of this inaction...

GODOT: Bloody ridiculous.

ROGER: ...and finally that, as their livelihood is also ruined, they
       claim the sum of one million dollars from Mr. Eric Ralph Godot.

GODOT: Fucking farce! (SWIGS FROM THE BOTTLE AGAIN.) God, Roger, you can
       see what it's like here! It's a madhouse! All this paperwork....
       continual interruptions... every interruption is interrupted by
       another interruption...mad women... fires... carrots... I
       couldn't even find my pen just now!

ROGER: (HORRIFIED) Couldn't find your pen!

GODOT: Looked everywhere.

ROGER: Well...well...huh..

GODOT: But so what? That's beside the point. All right, I'm going this
       minute. (MANIC) Look at me. Here's my hat and my coat... who is
       it? Sasha and Ivan? No...Vladimir and Estragon...no, Maria's
       seeing them. Ah yes, Anatole and Valentine. Goodbye, Roger. Turn
       out the light, would you?

GODOT RUNS OUT, BANGING DOOR. ROGER STANDS VACANTLY SCRATCHING HISBALLS.
GODOT RUNS IN.

GODOT: Forgot their file. (SCRABBLES FOR A FILE, OPENS IT) Let's see..
       Yes, ..thankyou for application...very excited by concept and
       presentation...unfortunately ... numbers of applicants ...
       constraints on funding...suggest you re-apply in June next
       year...

GODOT HEADS TOWARDS DOOR. PHONE RINGS. HE SNATCHES IT UP, IS ABOUT TO
SLAM IT DOWN WHEN HE REMEMBERS THAT ROGER IS WATCHING. SCOOPS IT UP.

GODOT: Hello, we'd like to thank you for calling the applications
       section, have a nice day, my name is Eric Godot, how may I help
       you today? Hello mama. (VOICE CHANGES TO SCHLOCK YIDDISH) No, no,
       I didn't forget, I'm on my way. No, there's been a fault today.
       No, it's not MY fault, it's a fault in the telephone line. Yes, I
       was just coming now. Of course! Mama, you're making me late
       already. I was just leaving when you rang. I had to run back in.
       Roger will tell you. (TO ROGER) Here, tell my mother. (HANDS
       ROGER THE PHONE.)

ROGER: Hello, Mrs Godot? Yes Eric was just leaving... yes, definitely.
       He had to run back in. He nearly hurt himself. No, I'm joking.
       I'll hand you back...(HANDS PHONE BACK TO GODOT.) I didn't know
       you were Jewish.

GODOT: I'm coming right now, mama. See you in twenty five minutes.
       (HANGS UP.) It's her birthday. You see? I'm so over-worked, I
       forget my own mother's birthday. I need more staff, Roger!

ROGER: You're being a fool to yourself, Eric. You're a martyr. You
       should get the C.E.O. down. See the conditions for himself.

GODOT: Oh ha ha, the C.E.O. Very funny. Do you think I haven't tried? He
       doesn't come! I phone, I fax, I send memos; he always says he'll
       come and there's always some feeble excuse! I've never even met
       him! I don't know what he looks like, even!

ROGER: The way you say "even"...Is Godot a Jewish name? I would have
       thought French, Alsatian. perhaps...

GODOT: AND I'll have to get a gift for mama! Good grief, I'm cracking
       up. I'm not coping...you've got to help me, Roger! Quarter to
       five already! Time is our enemy, Roger! Sometimes I think I'll
       hang myself. Yes' let's hang ourselves!

ROGER: Not on your mother's birthday! Good grief!

A POLICE SIREN WAILS IN THE DISTANCE, FADING. SOME GUNFIRE IS HEARD.

GODOT: No, no, no. Can't top myself on mama's big day. They want a
       complete million of my dollars? I haven't got twenty dollars
       even! I've got carrots! Do you like carrots, Roger?

GODOT DROPS TO FLOOR AND STARTS TO WEEP. ROGER IS INDECISIVE.

ROGER: Ah well, not carrots so much, but I like a good potato. Sour
       cream on it. You like sour cream? Come on cheer up old boy.

KNOCK AT DOOR. THREE CLERKS IN CARDIGANS ENTER, DEPOSIT ARMLOADS OF
FILES ON GODOT'S DESK, EXIT.

ROGER: (CALLS FEEBLY AFTER THEM) Thankyou.

ROGER DROPS TO KNEES, PUTS ARM AROUND GODOT. GODOT CLUTCHES HIM, WEEPS
PROFUSELY. MARIA BURSTS IN, PANTING, IN DISARRAY, DARTS TO DESK, TAKES
LARGE SWIG FROM BOTTLE. SURVEYS THE SCENE.

ROGER: (RISING) It's not what you think young man, Mr Godot...I was
       helping him up...his mother rang...he had to run back in...

ROGER DARTS TO DESK AND TAKES VERY LARGE SWIG FROM BOTTLE.

MARIA: It's getting worse out there. Funding applicants are bloody
       ignorant apes! (DROPS TO KNEES, GRABS GODOT BY THE LAPELS.) Who's
       this creep Pozzo, with the idiot on the string? Why didn't you
       warn me about them?

GODOT: (CONTROLLING HIS BLUBBING) Pozzo? You saw Pozzo? And Lucky?
       Were they nice to you?

MARIA: (STANDS, LETTING GODOT FALL BACK) Nice to me! Well if that's how
       you view attempted rape, I suppose they were nice to me! They
       stopped bloody fast when I mentioned you, thank God! And then
       this fat slimeball Pozzo says he's hungry and he sits down and he
       has a bloody picnic! Well?

GODOT: Surveillance... well, we can't have people rorting the system,
       wouldn't be fair to the honest applicants...

ROGER: Can't have people rorting! Rorting persons, people rorting and
       rooting and rioting...Ha ha ha...that brandy's interesting... I
       think there's an American in my office, good afternoon. What will
       we do, what will we do? God have pity on me, on me, on me. God
       have pity on me.

ROGER EXITS IN CONFUSION, THINKING ONLY ABOUT HIMSELF.

MARIA: Thank the lord he's gone at last.

GODOT: (SNIFF) Thank the lord, thank you Lord. Are you always pressed
       for time, Lord? Hell, you invented time, didn't you? Why the Hell
       didn't you invent a bit more to go round, for God's sake! Sorry.

MARIA: But don't you see sir....

GODOT: Call me Eric.

MARIA: Really? Ha, Eric, then. Don't you see Eric, if there were more
       time there would be more work to fill it the time.

GODOT: No, I don't think that's right.

MARIA: Well, if there were more time for you, there would be more for
       everybody. More time for grant applicants to make their
       applications. And they would be longer, and more detailed..

GODOT: More punctuation errors, more ap-palling spelling...good grief...
       MARIA:  I think we would be better off with less time. Say if the
       day were only three hours long.

GODOT: (RALLYING) Yes, but no Maria, you're wrong. Time is relative, you
       see. That's known. Einstein showed us that. Time travels at
       different rates for different people. Oh yes, I know all about
       this. The US army once did an experiment where they took two
       identical twin soldiers. Twenty three years old. They put one in
       a rocket and shot him into orbit travelling at the speed of light
       for exactly one year, and the other one stayed home.weeding the
       garden at the army base.

MARIA: (COSILY) I bet the one who stayed home was chizzed off!

GODOT: Possibly. Anyhow, when the first one landed, he looked about a
       hundred years old, and his hair and teeth had all gone. And the
       second one was only twenty four, good as new.

MARIA: That's amazing.

GODOT: Though I think there was some problem with chemical spray and his
       hair and teeth did actually fall out too, but you could
       definitely tell the difference. So the best idea would be to
       shoot all the bloody grant applicants off in a rocket at the
       speed of light!

MARIA: You have an amazing mind, Eric.

GODOT: Thankyou. Do you think the Lord is watching us, Maria?

MARIA: Eric, I KNOW he is. And Lord, watch this.

MARIA STARTS TO BEHAVE SEDUCTIVELY FOR GODOT, TAKING OFF HER BOY'S
CLOTHES. HER NORMAL CLOTHES ARE UNDERNEATH. AN ICE PICK ACCIDENTALLY
FALLS FROM A POCKET, CLANGS ON THE FLOOR. SHE PICKS IT UP SLOWLY, THEN
SUDDENLY, WITH A VICIOUS MOTION IMPALES IT IN THE DESK. GODOT LOOKS AT
THE AUDIENCE, WAVES HIS ARMS TO SIGNIFY "SO WHAT?"

MARIA: Heh. Wonder how that got in my pants? That's a problem.

GODOT: Maria, the problems of two crazy people don't amount to a hill of
       beans in this little world. Here's looking at you, kid.

MARIA: Shall we have a drink?

GODOT: That's what I had in mind.

A PHONE RINGS. THEY FREEZE FOR A MOMENT. GODOT RISES, DUSTS HIMSELF
DOWN, GOES TO HIS DESK, TAKES PHONE FROM HOOK, REPLACES IT, RESUMES WORK
ON FILES. LOOKS AT THE BOTTLE IN SOME BEMUSEMENT, REPLACES IT IN FILING
CABINET. A SIREN IN THE STREET BELOW, GUNFIRE. MARIA HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

GODOT: (NOT LOOKING UP) Have I had my lunch yet?

MARIA: Not yet, no. Excuse me. (EXITS.)

-------------END OF THE FIRST CYCLE.----------------------------------

SECOND CYCLE

GODOT ADDRESSES AUDIENCE IN A RELAXED MANNER, AS IF NOTHING HAS
HAPPENED, WHICH IN A SENSE IT HASN'T.

GODOT: (HOLDING UP A FILE) Now this group, they want to start a pig
       farm. They want the administration's assistance to start a pig
       farm. (ANOTHER FOLDER) This group, they want to stage Medea on
       ice, to attract skaters who have never been inside a theatre. And
       these two, Vladimir and Estragon, I remember Vladimir's mother
       well, a lovely woman, but I'm not to let that influence my
       decision, they have a submission to build a giant pomegranate by
       a roadhouse in the Wimmera, with a ladder so that tourists can
       look out over the desert through the pip-holes. How am I supposed
       to evaluate that? Have you been to the Wimmera? Nothing to look
       at. One dead tree.. Ha ha ha. They could have a sign saying "See
       what bugger all looks like from twenty feet up in the air."
       (PAUSE) It's cold in here. I want to go home.

MARIA KNOCKS, ENTERS.

MARIA: Mr. Godot? There's a delegation of school-children to see you
       from the eastern compounds.

GODOT: Maria, I have to go, I have to see Anatole and Valentine at five
       thirty. Look at the time!

MARIA: Look at your diary! Eh? Return the ball once in a while, can't
       you?

GODOT: What? What ball? (COLLAPSES IN CHAIR AT DESK) Show them in.

MARIA: This way. In you come.

THREE GROTTY SCHOOLCHILDREN ENTER, GIGGLING, WITH NOTEBOOKS.

GODOT: Welcome to the interior ministry of the administration, young
       people. I'm afraid I can only spare you a few minutes. My name is
       Eric Godot, I am the administrator, and I wonder if I might know
       who you are?

CHILD 1 (FEMALE):   Certainly. I'll be the first one to speak.

CHILD 2 (MALE):     And I'll be the second.

CHILD 3 (MALE):     And I'll be the ttthird.

CHILD 1:  In that order.

GODOT: Surrealist, self-referential, post deconstructionist school-
       children.

CHILD 1:  Yes. Oy, don't hit me!

CHILD 2:  I didn't.

CHILD 3:  Yes he did! I sssaw him.

CHILD 2:  I did not!

CHILDREN 2 AND 3 START FIGHTING, FALL TO THE FLOOR.

CHILD 1:  (CONFIDENTIALLY) It's typical, isn't it? I on the other hand
       am a female.

GODOT: (LOOKING AT CLOCK) Yes. Well what do you want to know?

CHILD 1:  We're doing a project, sir. Our subject is, (READS) "How
       government arts funding is disbursed from the higher echelons of
       government to the lower echelons of the destitute, needy and
       starving performers, and who gets how much. If there's any left."

GODOT: (STIFFLY) Yes... you must realise that arts grants form only a
       minor part of the whole application infrastructure..

CHILD 1:  The "If there's any left", I added that myself. My dad's an
       unfunded clown. He's got an application in. He's been waiting to
       hear for six years. He's great, my dad. He's got a trained rat
       and he wants to get nineteen more and do a rat circus free for
       everybody in the street.

GODOT: What? Maria! Can you stop these boys fighting?

THERE IS A CRASH. A STONE SHATTERS THE WINDOW AND LANDS ON THE FLOOR.THE
BOYS STOP FIGHTING, CHILD 1 SHRIEKS, INSTINCTIVELY RUNS TO GODOT,WHO
PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER THEN QUICKLY PUSHES HER AWAY. MARIA RUNS IN. THE
SIRENS FROM THE STREET BELOW ARE NOW LOUDER. GODOT WATCHES, TRANSFIXED.
A GRAPPLING HOOK IS THROWN THROUGH THE WINDOW, SECURED.

MARIA: I'll get Roger. Children, It's time to leave.

CHILD 2:  Awwwww...

CHILD 1:  I haven't even had one answer yet.

THERE IS A DOORKNOCK. MARIA RUNS OUT, LEAVING THE CHILDREN.

THE ROPE AT THE WINDOW TWITCHES; SOMEONE IS CLIMBING UP.GODOT NOT TAKING
HIS EYES OFF THE WINDOW, PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE WALL BEHIND HIM.
ANOTHER ALARM RINGS SOMEWHERE IN THE BUILDING.A DARK HEAD APPEARS AT THE
WINDOW; SOMEONE CLIMBS IN. IT IS ROSA.

ROSA:  Hello again, Eric.

GODOT: What do you want? Who are you?

ROSA:  They wouldn't let me in at the door. Did you take the carrots to
       my big fat stupid hungry boy?

GODOT: Carrots? What does she mean, carrots?

ROSA:  Here, I have some more.

CHILD 2:  Gor, this is great!

THE CHILDREN SIT ON THE DESK, DISLODGING PAPERS, WATCHING THE FUN.

GODOT: Rosa, I have tried.....

ROSA:  (IN STRANGLED TONES) Are you going to see my boy today? Because
       if you are not, I have a very nasty surprise for...YOU!

CHILDREN APPLAUD.

GODOT: Rosa, for pity's sake...I am striving like Hercules to get out of
       this office!

CHILD 2:  Garn, my dad says you're hopeless!

GODOT: (GRABS CHILD 2 BY SHIRT-FRONT) Well there goes your dad's chances
       then, smartarse!

CHILD 2:  Hey!

ROGER BURSTS IN WEARING A CRASH HELMET, TAKES KARATE STANCE.

ROGER: Hah! Hoh! Hoy!

CHILDREN APPLAUD.

ROGER: It's that woman again. (RELAXES, DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.) MARIA:
       (ENTERS, PUFFING) The firemen and the security people are having
       a gun battle with a brigade of southern agricultural grant
       applicants.

ROGER: I warned you!

MARIA: They've got sticks and knives. One of them's even got a sort of
       uniform!

GODOT: Hah! See? Infiltrators and agitators from the left and right.
       Where would a real grant applicant get money for a uniform! And I
       tell you something else! If a grant applicant was in the
       incredible position of actually getting some project funding, and
       that same applicant spent funding money on a military uniform,
       then that applicant would be in very deep doo-doo indeed!

ROGER: Yes, but surely if it was a successful applicant, he wouldn't be
       in the army!

GODOT: Ah yes, a good point, Roger...

MARIA: Don't you understand! We're trapped in the building! We have no
       rights any more! (NOTICES ROSA) There's that woman again.

GODOT: Pull yourself together, Miss Kowalski.

ROGER: The thing I've never understood is, why don't we just give these
       wretched people some money?

LONG PAUSE; GODOT STARES AT ROGER, WHO FIDGETS.

GODOT: Give them some money Roger. Just give them some money.

ROGER: Sorry.

GODOT: We haven't got any money, that's why, you pin-headed prat! We've
       barely got enough money to pay my salary, let alone give money to
       grant applicants!

CHILD 1:  Boring!

CHILD 2:  Let's go and watch the war! That sounds like more fun!

CHILD 1:  Great!

CHILD 3:  Wicked!

CHILD 2:  Come on!

CHILDREN RUN OUT.

MARIA: (FOLLOWING) Wait, children..

ROSA:  So, Eric. The yellow men can't throw me out now, they're too busy
       fighting. You will have to do it yourself.

ROGER: What's she talking about?

GODOT: I have no idea.

ROSA:  I got my boy some carrots.

ROSA THROWS PARCEL AT GODOT FROM BENEATH CLOAK. HE SHOUTS, TOSSESIT TO
ROGER, WHO SHOUTS, TOSSES IT ON THE PILE.

ROSA:  And one turnip. Boy, I was lucky to get that turnip. I had to
       fight like a tiger for the turnip. Human beings are animals.
       ROGER:  People are bloody ignorant apes.

MARIA: And there is this.

ROSA PRODUCES A SMALL PETROL CAN.

ROGER: It's a can of petrol. Eric?

GODOT DECIDES TO IGNORE THIS. RETURNS TO DESK, SITS, MAKES PHONECALL.

GODOT: Hello, this is Mr. Godot. Top floor. Look, can you send someone
       up to fix a window. Room 1315. Thankyou very much. Now if
       everyone is finished, I have work to do.

ROSA:  I tell you what is finished! The time is finished for words! The
       time has come for action!

GODOT: I am trying...to take some action! If you would just go away!

ROSA POURS LIQUID ALL OVER HERSELF, THROWS THE CAN OUT THE
WINDOW.PRODUCES A LIGHTER, FLICKS IT AT ARM'S LENGTH.

ROSA:  You don't think I'm serious? I'm very serious. Eric Godot.

ROGER: Oh my good lord. (HOLDS HANDKERCHIEF OVER FACE.)

ROSA WALKS SLOWLY TOWARDS GODOT, CIRCLING THE DESK. GODOT RISES, BACKS
AWAY.

ROSA:  We are going to see my boy NOW!

GODOT: Yes, of course...but we can't leave the building...

ROSA:  They will make way for the human bomb! This morning I swallowed a
       stick of gelignite!

GODOT: Now look, Rosa, please, there's no need for these desperate
       tactics.. as soon as the riots are under control I will be off to
       see (GRABS A FILE) Jeremy and Salome...

ROSA:  WHO?

GODOT: (GRABBING ANOTHER FILE) Samuel, Ushmal and Victoria?

ROSA:  WHO?

GODOT: ..ah.. (GRABBING ANOTHER FILE) Anatole and Valentine?

ROSA:  WHO?

GODOT: (MORE FILES) Bib and Bub? Romeo and Juliet? Roseanne and
       Seinfeld?

ROSA:  VLADIMIR!

GODOT: Right! Vladimir. And Estragon! Now where's their file?

ROSA:  VLADIMIR! My Vladimir! NOT Estragon! Estragon is shit!

GODOT: Yes, well that's true, that's very true...

ROSA:  And you are going to see Vladimir NOW! That is also true! Move!

GODOT, WALKING BACKWARDS, OPENS THE METAL LOCKER, ACCIDENTALLY FALLS
INTO IT, SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.

ROSA:  Where's he gone? This is not the door! This is the cupboard!

GODOT: (MUFFLED) I'm locked in! ROSA:   Aarrhh! You stupid slug-brained
       son of a pig-ignorant poxy ridden bitch! Twenty million sperm and
       you had to be the winner! Come out of this fucking cupboard!
       (BEATS ON LOCKER)

ROGER: Ah, look, Mrs. McTavish,..

ROSA:  McIntosh. You pin-head prat.

ROGER: Mrs. McIntosh. I'll sort this out. Perhaps you could keep watch
       at the window.

ROSA:  (TRYING TO SHAKE LOCKER) Get the bastard out of this cupboard!

ROGER: Yes, right, just give me some room...a bit of quiet..Hello Eric?
       Can you hear me? Where's the key?

GODOT: (MUFFLED) I've got it here.

ROSA:  What?

ROGER: He's got it with him. Well open the door then, Eric.

GODOT: (MUFFLED) I can't you dickhead, I'm inside.

ROSA:  What?

ROGER: He says he can't, he says I'm a dickhead, he says he's inside.

ROSA EXPLODES (NOT LITERALLY), RAGES AROUND THE ROOM.

ROGER: Shove the key under the door, then.

GODOT: (MUFFLED) I can't, it's airtight. I've got about three minutes.

ROSA:  What?

ROGER: He can't, it's airtight. He's got three minutes. Two and a half,
       by now. Breathe slowly. And don't shout.    GODOT:   (SHOUTS)
       What?

ROGER: Don't shout!

GODOT: (SOFTLY) Right!

ROGER: What?

GODOT: (SHOUTS) Right!

ROGER: Don't shout!

GODOT: (SOFTLY) Right.

ROSA:  (TO AUDIENCE) I can't stand it! I am screwed up to fever's pitch!
       The petrol is drying out now! Gottendammerung! What would you do?
       Really, if you were me, what would you do? It's my boy out there,
       waiting, waiting, waiting, for bloody what? Oh, I will go mad!

ROSA COLLAPSES IN A HEAP. ROGER RUNS TO HER, KNEELS.

ROGER: Good grief, I think she's dead. Heart massage, yes...

ROGER ATTEMPTS HEART MASSAGE ON ROSA.

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. THREE WINDOW-REPAIRERS ENTER, CAPS AND
OVERALLS.THEY HAVE A LADDER.

WINDOW 1: Scuse us.

ROGER: (LEAPING UP) It's not what you think...Thank godot you're here.
       (RUNS TO LOCKER) Mr God is in there. He's got about a minute.

WINDOW 1: Well we've got about ten minutes. It's quarter to five, you
       know.

WINDOW 2: Bleedin' nice time of day to ring.

WINDOW 3: Bloody lovely.

WINDOW 1: Right, where's the busted winder then? Ah yeah.

ROSA:  Yaaahhhh!

ROSA SPRINGS UP, RUNS TO WINDOW, CLIMBS ON SILL, JUMPS.

ROSA:  Yaaaaaaaaaa.....

WINDOW 2: See that!

WINDOW 1: Yeah!

WINDOW 3: Funny behavior.

FAR-OFF CRASH FROM THE STREET BELOW. ROGER:  Very sad. Very very sad. A
       moment's silence please.

THEY ALL BOW HEADS FOR A MOMENT.

ROGER: Good. Anyhow, the thing is, we've now got a much worse problem
       than the window.

WINDOW 1: Well that's bad luck, isn't it lads? See, we don't fix
       problems, we fix winders. Don't we, lads?

WINDOW 2: Yes, but if yer've got a problem winder, we can fix that.

WINDOW 3: That's..that's that's right.

ROGER: Well, good. But look, Mr. Godot is trapped in this airtight
       locker, with about a minute to live.

WINDOW 2: Mr. Godot. Is that Mr. Eric Godot?

BANGING FROM THE LOCKER.

ROGER: Yes! Please!

WINDOW 2: Mr. Eric Godot the grant funding administrator?

MORE BANGING.

ROGER: Yes! Yes! Please!

ROGER IS VERY AGITATED.

WINDOW 2: Oh dear. Ooh dear. We might have to make him wait.

ROGER: Why? What for?

WINDOW 2: He made us wait, didn't he, lads?

WINDOW 1: Made us wait for three sodding years.

WINDOW 3: Broke our spirits.

WINDOW 1: He never come. Promises, that was all we ever got.

WINDOW 2: Great idea, we had. We haven't always been winder fixers yer
       know. Genetic engineers. Private firm, Tom here, he was the boss,
       brilliant man. Dick here, he was the bean counter. We could have
       put this country at the forefront. (KNOCKS ON LOCKER SHOUTS) 'Oy!
       Remember Tom, Dick and Harry, Mr Godot? One knock for "yes", two
       for "no".

FAINT KNOCK IN RETURN.

WINDOW 2: Remember how you kept us waiting for three years 'til our
       company was ruined?

TWO FAINT KNOCKS.

ROGER: Enough! Out of my way! (RESUMES KARATE POSE) Hah! Hoh! Hoy!

WINDOW 1: Look out, lads!

ROGER KARATE KICKS LOCKER, HURTS FOOT.

ROGER: Ahhh...ahhh...

LOCKER IS NOT AFFECTED. MARIA RUNS IN PANTING, SAUCEPAN ON HEAD AND
BROLLY IN HAND. TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING BUT CAN ONLY WAVE ARMS.

ROGER: God, Maria, Eric's trapped in here! These men won't help...(TO
       MEN) I'm having you charged for this! (TO MARIA) His time's up!
       He's run out of air! Even if he's alive, he'll be a vegetable!
       God, we've got enough of those in here! Ooh, I want to do wee!

MARIA: Roger, shutup!

MARIA STAGGERS TOWARD ROGER, GIVES HIM A BACKHANDER; HE REELS AROUND
CLUTCHING HIS HANDKERCHIEF TO HIS MOUTH.

ROGER: (MUMBLES) She hit me in the mouf.

MARIA STAGGERS TO THE LOCKER, PUTS ARMS AROUND IT, BRACES HERSELF,PULLS
IT FROM THE WALL. IT HAS NO BACK. GODOT STANDS WITH A CANDLE IN ONE HAND
AND A FOLDED NEWSPAPER IN THE OTHER. DOING A CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

GODOT: Ah. Hello Rosa. No, it's Maria. Hello Maria. (REFERRING TO
       SAUCEPAN) You doing lunch? Thankyou. Hello Roger. What's a four-
       letter word for "administrator"?

WINDOW 3 ATTEMPTS TO ANSWER BUT IS STOPPED BY THE OTHERS, WHO HAVEBEEN
WATCHING THE SCENE WITH INTEREST.

WINDOW 3: C..c...

WINDOW 1: Come on lads, it's too late today. We'll come back tomorrow.

WINDOW CLEANERS EXEUNT.

ROGER: She hit me in the mouf. Whack! Like that!

GODOT: About bloody time!

ROGER: Hoh!

MARIA: You're alright then? Good. Where's the loonie?

GUNFIRE AND WAILING FROM THE STREET BELOW.

ROGER: (MUMBLES SULKILY) She jumped out the window.

MARIA: She what?

ROGER: Out the window. Whoosh. (DEMONSTRATES FEEBLY.)

GODOT: (RUNS TO WINDOW, LOOKS DOWN) Oh my Lord. (RETURNS TO CENTRE OF
       ROOM, TAKES HIS MOMENT.) Oh. Oh, this is all my cursed, wretched
       fault. I try, I try, but what can I do? Rosa. I held her in my
       arms, I felt her soft warm breath on my neck as she gently slept.
       I kissed her eyelids in the morning. And now we have no time to
       grow old.

MARIA: (JEALOUS) Yes, huh. Well now the panic's died down, I've got work
       to do.

GODOT: No, don't go, don't go, Maria, stay I beg of you. Tell me, how
       goes the battle? (VERY SHAKESPEAREAN.)

ROGER: Eric? Wallop, like that, she went, fair in the gob. How would you
       like it?

GODOT: Lord Roger, shut thee the fuck up.

MARIA: In faith my liege I wot I have not never seen such deeds. Maggie
       from Accounts and I did stand, With helm upon our head and lancer
       in our hand, And led the charge with piercing cry, And I got a
       potter in the eye. Wherupon Tom Pearson from Invoices Said we had
       but simple choices. The cringing or the noble factor, Then he
       gutted an actor with a protractor. Foe on foe and blood-red swam
       the dawn, And so the battle raged, both night and morn.    GODOT:
       (LOOKS AT CLOCK) What's this you say, another day is brought? I
       must have been in yonder locker longer than I thought.

MARIA: And now 'tis done, and we have won.

GODOT: We won?

MARIA: The Grant Applicants' Revolutionary Force is routed!

ROGER: (FEEBLY) Hooray.

MARIA: For the time. But they'll be back!

GODOT: I should be there! I should have been there! In the very
       forefront, that's my place, leading my troops to glorious
       victory! Oh, the shame!

MARIA: We wondered where you were.

GODOT: Oh thank you very much! I was locked in the frigging locker,
       that's where I was! With a raving lunatic about to blow herself
       to pieces in front of me! (RUNS TO WINDOW, LOOKS DOWN) Ah
       Rosa...(RUNS BACK, WINDING HIMSELF UP AGAIN) And there were
       fifteen schoolchildren fighting in here Maria, and windows
       smashing...aahhh...and God, look at the time, I have to see
       Fritz-Ambrose and Petronella at five thirty, I promised...

GODOT FALLS TO HIS KNEES, WEEPING. ROGER KNEELS, COMFORTS HIM.
SAMEPOSITIONS AS THE FIRST TIME.

ROGER: Come on old boy. It's not that bad. Nothing's that bad! Look at
       me. I got a great whack in the chops, but I'm OK.

GODOT: (BLUBS) Sometimes I think they don't WANT me to go and see the
       applicants. They're plotting against me.

ROGER: Now that's just silly talk. That's paranoia.

MARIA: Anyway, what others? Who are these others?

GODOT: The C.E.O. (TO MARIA) You. The mad woman. (TO ROGER) You.

ROGER: Me! Come on!

MARIA: Oh really!

GODOT: Everybody. You're all in it together! You all want to see me
       fail!

ROGER: No no no, why would we want to do that?

GODOT: Because I only went to a high school, that's why! Because we were
       poor immigrants! Because we're Jewish!

ROGER DETACHES HIMSELF APPRECIABLY.

ROGER: Eric, Eric! Come on! I didn't know you were Jewish! Are you
       Jewish? Well, what do I care! Good stuff! Let's have a drink.You
       need a large brandy, eh?

GODOT: (PULLS HIMSELF TOGETHER, PUSHES ROGER AWAY, RISES) Let me alone.
       No. This much is certain; yes, I see it clearly now. We have
       caused this appalling misery, these problems, the bloodshed and
       violence; it is we and we alone who by our criminal apathy and
       inaction are responsible for the riots and the public discontent
       that is ripping this once proud nation apart. And it is we who
       must quell them by now taking action! And it is we who must
       strike the iron before it freezes! Return to your legal
       department Roger, Miss Kowalski to your desk. If I do nothing
       else, I will see Vladimir and Estragon tonight!

MARIA AND ROGER DANCE TOGETHER BRIEFLY.

ROGER: Thankyou.

MARIA: Thankyou.

ROGER: Good stuff! But really, that part about "we and we alone", it's
       more like "you and you alone" wouldn't you say? I mean, I'm just
       legal.

GODOT: (IGNORING HIM) What are dossiers and files and filing cabinets
       and meetings and minutes and pencils and rubbers and reports when
       there are grant applicants, warm human grant applicants, flesh
       and blood, starving to death and going insane out there in the
       wilderness for want of a simple visit?

ROGER: Good point. Bit hard to starve to death and THEN go insane
       though! Ha ha.

GODOT: Enough! I shall go at once! Nothing can stop me now!

MARIA: Is there nothing can stop you from leaving this office?

GODOT: Nothing!

ROGER: Absolutely nothing?

GODOT: Absolutely positively definitely nothing!

GODOT, MARIA AND ROGER LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE, DARING THEM TO LAUGH.
PAUSE.THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

MARIA: (TONGUE IN CHEEK) Goodness, who on earth can that be? At this
       time of day!

ROGER: Surely can't be important.

GODOT: Not important enough to stop me leaving this office.

ROGER: Hah, wouldn't think so!

GODOT: Nothing's that important!

ROGER: Nothing!

GODOT: Even only if for memory of Rosa, I will see Vladimir and Estragon
       tonight!

MARIA: (ON WAY TO DOOR) Not Estragon.

GODOT: Not Estragon.

ROGER: He's poo.

THREE INTERIOR DECORATORS KNOCK AND ENTER. ROGER ATTEMPTS TO EXIT, IS
BUSTLED BY THE DECORATORS, FINALLY GOES. DEC 1(FEMALE) IS TOUGH, THE MEN
ARE EFFEMINATE. DEC 2 & 3 QUICKLY AND PROFESSIONALLY START LOOKING
AROUND THE OFFICE, MAKING NOTES AND TALKING TOGETHER. DEC 1 GOES TO
GODOT, SHOWS HIM SOME PLANS.

DEC 1: Eric, good news. The allocation is through. We can re-decorate
       immediately.

GODOT: Ah, brilliant! Maria, did you hear? At last! God knows how long
       I've waited for this moment! Show me, show me! Maria, come and
       look!

MARIA: Very nice. And if you leave in five minutes you'll be able to see
       Vladimir before curfew.

GODOT: Maria, have a heart! Look! Look at the patterns, and the colours
       (HOLDING UP DEC 1'S SAMPLE SHEETS) I've waited years for this
       moment! I never thought I'd see the day!

MARIA: I just don't believe you. You are despicable. Do you know
       something, Eric Godot? There is an inter-departmental review in a
       fortnight. I'm going to apply for your job.

MARIA STORMS OUT, BANGING DOOR.

PAUSE. GODOT LOOKS AT DECORATORS, SHRUGS. ALL LAUGH.

DEC 1: We all get emotional at times. Now look Eric, here's what I
       thought.

DEC 1 OPENS LARGE MAP-FOLDER ON GODOT'S DESK, KNOCKING SEVERALOTHER
FOLDERS AND PAPERS TO THE FLOOR.

GODOT: Oh, yes! That's wonderful!

MARIA: (ENTERS. ICILY) Mr. Godot. There are three people from the
       computer department to see you.

DEC 2 & 3 LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

DEC 1: That's impossible.

MARIA: Three computer people from the computer department. Two men and a
       woman. The woman is as ugly as sin, one of the men has a speech
       impediment and the other one has garlic breath. Would I lie to
       you?

SIMULTANEOUSLY, DEC 2 QUIETLY SNIFFS HIS BREATH WITH HIS CUPPED HAND,DEC
1 TAKES QUICK LOOK IN COMPACT MIRROR, DEC 3 SPEAKS.

DEC 3: How now, brown cow. (NO STUTTER)

GODOT: No, I can't see them. Tell them to come back tomorrow.

MARIA: They say it's very important. Very important.

GODOT: What could be more important than decor? I ask you!

MARIA: They're in the outer office now... I can hear them coming...

THE DECORATORS REALISE THAT MARIA IS MANIPULATING THEM.

DEC 1: Bloody ridiculous.

A ROCK SAILS THROUGH THE WINDOW WITH THE SOUND OF GLASS
BREAKING.DECORATORS ARE STARTLED, SHRIEK. THERE IS A NOTE TIED TO THE
ROCK.

DEC 1: Sorry Eric. Just remembered something important. Come on, boys.

GODOT: Oh, Daphne!

DEC 1 EXITS; THE OTHERS TISS AFTER HER.

GODOT: Damn! Damn! The bloody years I've waited...Labours abandoned,
       left unfinished.....

GODOT KICKS ROCK, SEES NOTE TIED TO IT, TAKES IT, READS.

GODOT: The Grant Applicants' Revolutionary Force has kidnapped my
       mother. They want one million dollars for my mother. (STARTS
       GIGGLING, GETS WORSE) They want my decision in writing by five pm
       today!

MARIA: Must be a joke.

GODOT: Everyone wants one million of my dollars. (GETTING HYSTERICAL)
       There's some other people want a million dollars off me too. Who
       were they? Can't think. Doesn't matter. Help yourself to some
       carrots, Maria.

GODOT LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY; THE LAUGHTER TURNS TO TEARS; HE BLOWS HIS
NOSE, SETTLES DOWN.

GODOT: (INCLUDES THE AUDIENCE) Aha ha ha.... Put twenty four carrots in
       a circle, you'd have a twenty four carrot ring! Ring
       ring...Hello? Give it to your girlfriend! I could do it, I've got
       the carrots, have a look! Ha ha ha..(WEEPS AGAIN) Mama,
       mama...are you tied up in a draughty warehouse with tape across
       your mouth, you can't call my name even, mama? That's a blessing
       at least! (LAUGHS)

GODOT GIGGLES ON. HE CALMS DOWN. LOOKS AROUND SHEEPISHLY. GOES TO FILING
CABINET, TAKES SWIG FROM BOTTLE, SHUDDERS, RETURNS TO SEAT.

MARIA: WHAT are you going to do about your mother?

GODOT: What can I do? How can I do anything?

MARIA: Call the police?

GODOT: Hah, the police, what a joke.

MARIA: Surely they're better than nothing.

GODOT: (LEAFING THROUGH DIARY) No Maria, they're not. I should know. And
       look, I'm supposed to see Vladimir and not Estragon at five
       thirty. The day's almost gone and I have accomplished nothing! I
       can't get there in forty five minutes; I'll be late. It's rude to
       be late.

MARIA: I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you were fifteen minutes late!
       They've been waiting for seven years!

GODOT: Maria, that is not the point. The point is, I have said I will be
       there at exactly five thirty and due to a range of completely
       unforeseen delays and obstacles I cannot be on time. I have been
       brought up to believe that unpunctuality is the very worst
       transgression imaginable. So I can't possibly go now. You see?
       I'll have to go tomorrow. Please run and make my apologies.

MARIA: Oh!

GODOT: And do you know how many applications I have looked at today?
       I'll tell you. Five. That's it! All these bloody interruptions!

MARIA: But what about your mother?

GODOT: They'll just have to kill her, that's all. Nothing to be done.

MARIA: Oh, Mr. Godot!

GODOT: Well like the Muslims say, today is as good a day to die as any
       other. She's eighty nine, you know.

MARIA: Poor old thing, the shock'll probably kill her!

GODOT: No, I wouldn't think so. Not mama. No, they'll have to do it
       personally.

MARIA: You are so...

GODOT: Maria, if there was anything I could do, I would. God, look at
       the time. I must let them know my decision. (TAKES A PIECE OF
       PAPER, SEARCHES FOR A PEN.) Where's my pen? Have you seen my pen?

MARIA: (NEARLY LOSING IT) I ..gave...you..a pen...earlier...

GODOT: Ah! (FINDS A PEN IN THE FILING CABINET) Pen in cabinet. Under
       "W".

MARIA: Under "W"?

GODOT: Under "W". For "writing." (WRITES) "Dear murderous kidnappers,
       you really are a bunch of brainless bastards. If I had a million
       dollars I would have moved my mother to the eastern sanctuaries
       long ago. You'll not get a red cent out of me. Best wishes, Eric
       Godot. Administrator." (STOPS, LOOKS UP, CROSSES IT OUT) "Dear
       Kidnappers.. thankyou for application..very excited by concept
       and presentation.. unfortunately ... numbers of applicants...
       constraints on funding... suggest you re-apply in June next year.
       Yours sincerely, etcetera." Hah! Take that, you pack of bastards!

GODOT FOLDS NOTE, TIES IT TO ROCK, HEADS TOWARDS WINDOW BUT BACKS
AWAY,NOT WANTING TO GET TOO CLOSE. STANDS ON DESK, THROWS ROCK WITH
GREAT VIGOUR.

GODOT: (SHOUTS) Hoy! Read that, scum! Ooowww!

THE ROCK HITS THE WALL.

THE THROWING ACTION HAS CAUSED GODOT TO RUPTURE HIMSELF. HE CRIES OUT
INPAIN, CLUTCHING HIS GROIN, STILL STANDING ON DESK.

MARIA: What? What?

GODOT: I think I've ruptured myself. Oooowww...

MARIA: Quick, drop your trousers. We must apply immediate pressure.

GODOT: (IN DISBELIEF) What?

MARIA: Otherwise, your bowels will pop out!

GODOT, IN PAIN, DROPS HIS TROUSERS.

MARIA: Which side?

GODOT: Left.

MARIA PRESSES HARD AGAINST GODOT'S GROIN.

GODOT: Ahhhh...

ROGER BURSTS IN, PANICKING

ROGER: They're attacking again! They're storming the building! What's
       going on?

MARIA: (BREAKING AWAY QUICKLY) It's not what you think.

ROGER: You filthy devils.

GODOT: Oooowww! Maria, come back! Do it again!

ROGER: Look, there's no time for dirties now.

MARIA: We are not doing dirties!

ROGER: They've broken into the building! They're storming up the stairs!
       They're going to kill us all!

SHOUTS AND SHOOTING AND SMASHING HEARD FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING, GETTING
CLOSER.

ROSA:  (OFF) Charge!

THREE SOLDIERS BURST IN, FOLLOWED BY ROSA, MASKED, ON CRUTCHES. ROSA IS
WEARING SOME KIND OF INSIGNIA DESIGNATING HER AS THE LEADER. THE
SOLDIERS SHOOT FOR SOME MINUTES. ROGER AND MARIA, YELLING AND SHOUTING,
ARE WOUNDED BUT ELUDE THE ATTACKERS AND ESCAPE. GODOT, STANDING ON HIS
DESK, HOLDING HIS GROIN, WITH TROUSERS AROUND ANKLES, IS NOT SHOT AT.

ROSA:  Stop shooting! Cease fire!

THE SHOOTING STOPS.

SOLDIER 2:     Fantastic! Aw, hahaha, you've got blood all over you!

SOLDIER 3:     (LAUGHS) Shit, I'll have to have a bath now!

SOLDIERS LAUGH

ROSA:  (REMOVING MASK) Hello again Eric.

GODOT: Rosa!

ROSA:  Captain Rosa! You scum!

GODOT: Rosa...Rosa...what...

ROSA:  What do you think, you stupid scumbag fool! We are winning! We
       have waited long enough! We will take over and I Captain Rosa
       McIntosh will personally hand out the money!

GODOT: But...the window...

ROSA:  Hah! It takes more than a thirteen storey fall to kill Captain
       Rosa McIntosh

SOLDIERS CHEER.

ROSA:  You men! Guard him! I must check the other fronts! I will return!

ROSA WHEELS OUT RAPIDLY.A PAUSE OF PINTERESQUE PROPORTIONS. GODOT IS
PETRIFIED, DUMBSTRUCK.

GODOT: And...ah...are you going to shoot me?

SOLDIER 1:     What, sir?

GODOT: You've shot at everyone else.

SOLDIER 1:     (PUZZLED) We're soldiers, sir. That's what we do.

SOLDIER 2:     We are the soldiers of the GARF - the Grant Applicants'
       Revolutionary Force!

SOLDIERS: (SOME FUNNY SALUTE) GARF!     GODOT:    Well why not shoot me
       too, fuckwit?

SOLDIER 1:     (BRISTLES) Captain Rosa didn't give us an order to shoot
       you. Look, if we get an order to shoot you, we will shoot you,
       Ok? It's nothing personal.

(OTHER SOLDIERS LAUGH)

GODOT: But where's the morality?

SOLDIER 2:     Sod morality. After a shoot, a soldier needs a root!

SOLDIER 3:     Good one!

(SOLDIERS 2 AND 3 LAUGH)

SOLDIER 1:     SHADDUPP!

SOLDIERS 2 & 3:     Suh!

SOLDIERS: Rule number one, obey your orders! To the best! One two three
       four! (SOLDIER 3 IS A BIT LATE FINISHING.)

SOLDIER 1:     Order - put out bushfires.

SOLDIERS 2 & 3:     We put out bushfires. Suh!

SOLDIER 1:     Order - help old People.

SOLDIERS 2 & 3:     We help old people. Suh!

SOLDIER 1:     Order - shoot old people.

SOLDIERS 2 & 3:     We shoot old people. Suh!

SOLDIER 1:     It's a nasty business but if we didn't do it, who would?
       Someone has to do it. And war is hell of course.

SOLDIERS 2 & 3:     Oh yes, war is hell, no worries. We hate war.

SOLDIER 3:     We hate war.

GODOT: Don't you care? I mean, you weren't always soldiers....you were
       human beings once...grant applicants...warm, sensitive flesh and
       blood...

SOLDIER 2:     ...starving to death and going insane for want of a
       simple visit!

GODOT: Yes, well, the pressure....

SOLDIER 1:     And now we're soldiers. We're trained, and once you're
       trained, you never forget how to kill.

SOLDIER 2:     Like riding a bike.

GODOT: But that's inhuman!

SOLDIER 1:     Hold the fort, wait a minute. (RUMMAGES THROUGH POCKETS,
       FINDS A PIECE OF PAPER) Dammit, look at this, I almost forgot. We
       have to torture you. THAT's why we're not shooting you. You're
       Eric Godot, aren't you? Yess, yess, Johann and me nearly went mad
       waiting for you to visit me one time. Johann starved to death.
       Then this weird prick called Pozzo turned up and photographed him
       dead. Can you believe that? Yeah, you are a grade one arsehole
       Mr. Godot, sir.         GODOT:   I do what I can! I'm only human!
       I'm, working on the applications now! Look at the files!

SOLDIER 1:     (PERUSING TORTURE ORDER) Tie him to the chair.

SOLDIERS 2 & 3:     Suh!

SOLDIERS 2 AND 3 MANHANDLE GODOT OFF THE DESK AND INTO HIS CHAIR, THEN
TIE HIM UP.

SOLDIER 1:     Thanks for dropping your daks Mr. Godot, that'll save us
       time. Corporal!

SOLDIER 2:     Suh!

SOLDIER 1:     Tape up Mr. Godot's mouth.

SOLDIER 2:     Suh!

SOLDIER 1:     Sergeant!

GODOT: Sergeant. Sergeant! That's an anagram of grantees! Mix up
       "grantees" ...sergeant! You're mixed up grantees!

 SOLDIERS THINK ABOUT THIS BRIEFLY, THEN DISMISS IT.

SOLDIER 1:     Sergeant, wire up Mr. Godot's knackers. SOLDIER 3:   Suh!

GODOT: I'm not taking this! I'm the administrator! I'll have you
       arrested for this!

SOLDIER 2 PRODUCES ROLL OF TAPE AND SWIFTLY TAPES GODOT'S MOUTH. SOLDIER
3 PRODUCES SOME WIRES AND IS ABOUT TO ATTACH THEM TO GODOT'S GENITALS.

THERE IS A LOUD SIREN FROM BELOW THE WINDOW, THEN AN ANNOUNCEMENT.THE
SOLDIERS STOP AND LISTEN.

ANNOUNCEMENT:  Attention! Attention! Emergency! All military personnel
       report immediately to the Sports Arena. Repeat, all military
       personnel report to the Sports Arena immediately!

SOLDIER 1:     Damn! Come on lads. Cheero, Mr. Godot. Don't know if
       we'll be able to fit you in today or not. (RIGHT IN GODOT'S FACE)
       But if we don't get back today, I PROMISE you we'll come for you
       tomorrow. OK?      ANOTHER LONG PAUSE. GODOT SITS SQUIRMING, THEN
       TRIES SOME TENTATIVE NOISES. HE WRIGGLES OUT OF THE ROPES AROUND
       HIS CHAIR AND STANDS; HIS FEET ARE TIED TOGETHER, HANDS TIED
       BEHIND HIS BACK, TROUSERS STILL AROUND HIS ANKLES.. HE HOPS A FEW
       PACES, FALLS OVER, RISES WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY. HOPS TOWARD THE
       DOOR, PANTING. AS HE REACHES THE DOOR,MARIA OPENS IT AND ENTERS,
       DISHEVELLED, ARM IN A SLING. THE DOOR HITS GODOT, KNOCKING HIM TO
       THE GROUND.

MARIA: (LOOKS AROUND, DOESN'T SEE GODOT) Mr Godot? Eric? He's gone.
       They've taken him. (SEES HIM) Oh God, they've killed him.

GODOT GROANS

MARIA: Oh, you're alive! They didn't kill you. Oh you poor man. Here,
       let me...

MARIA UNTIES GODOT AND UNTAPES HIS MOUTH. HE GASPS FOR AIR.

GODOT: Maria...Maria...

MARIA: There there, it's all right. They've gone.

GODOT: They've gone?

MARIA: Yes, all gone. They really have. It was a trap. They were tricked
       into going to the sports arena

GODOT: All of them?

MARIA: Yes, all the army ones, anyway. I won't go into the
       details...(ALMOST VOMITS AT THE THOUGHT OF THE MASSACRE THAT HAS
       JUST HAPPENED. PULLS HERSELF TOGETHER.) Oh...Rosa Macintosh
       escaped. Cup of tea?

GODOT: Yes, yes, cup of tea...(DISTRACTED) That's all right then...But
       what about my job? If all the grant applicants are gone? What
       will I do?

MARIA: No no no, there are plenty more. They breed like rabbits. Nothing
       much else to do. Let's clean up here, for a start. This office is
       a mess.

MARIA RUNS TO FILING CABINET, POURS DRINKS FOR HERSELF AND GODOT.

GODOT: Ah, oh thankyou. Yes, tidy up. Can't work in mess like this...

GODOT STRAIGHTENS HIS CLOTHES, DOES UP HIS TROUSERS, WINCES.

GODOT: Ahhh...must have strained myself... all that hopping about.

MARIA PICKS UP FILES, STRAIGHTENS DESK, PUTS FILES INTO CABINET.SHE
FINDS ABOUT A HUNDRED PENS IN A DRAWER.

MARIA: Hah, look! Pens!

GODOT: Yes, I keep them there in that drawer. Never know when you'll
       need a pen, Maria.

A PHONE RINGS IN MARIA'S OFFICE.

MARIA: Ah, who's that? Cup of tea?

GODOT: Please. Thankyou.

MARIA RUNS OUT. GODOT SITS AT HIS DESK, SIGHS. A LONG PAUSE. FINDSA
FILE, READS IT, BRIGHTENS UP.

GODOT: Look, the budget's through for my new decor. Thank god for that.
       A SIREN IS HEARD FROM THE STREET, THEN GUNFIRE, THEN ANOTHER
       SIREN.

GODOT: Must get that window fixed. That's why it's so cold in here. Hh.
       (PAUSE. HE DOES NOTHING.) Expect I'd better get some work done.
       God, I wish I could go home.

MARIA ENTERS, WITH PAPERS.

GODOT: Didn't we meet once, on a warm April night, at the Algonquin?

MARIA: I don't remember. There are three people to see you.

GODOT: Why do people always come in threes? Funny, isn't it?

MARIA: Three people from the finance section. Something about budget
       cuts.

GODOT: Ah well. (SNAPS A FOLDER SHUT) Vladimir will have to wait. Have I
       had my lunch yet?

MARIA: No Mr Godot. Not yet.

GODOT: Just give me a couple of minutes.

MARIA EXITS. GODOT TAKES A FOLDER FROM THE IN TRAY, OPENS IT.

MARIA: (OFF) Mr Godot will be with you in a minute.

LIGHTS VERY SLOWLY FADE, AS GODOT WORKS. HE STOPS, LOOKS INTO SPACE FOR
A MOMENT . WIPES HIS EYE QUICKLY, AS IF THERE IS A TEAR, BLOWS HIS NOSE,
RESUMES HIS WORK. PICKS UP A FOLDER.

GODOT: Anatole and Valentine....Richards. On his own. Funny.....

LIGHTS FADE.

-----------------------------------END----------------------------------
